Awareness 2014 - The Year Begins in a Groovy Way

Yes, I know it is February 15, 2014 - and the New Year began 6 weeks ago.
However, I wanted to do some reflecting on the past 6 weeks and the journey that has been mine so far this year. It has been nothing short of an entire lesson in awareness and recognition of God's plan in my life and how that manifests itself in my daily experience.

Out with the OLD, in with DISCO

My new year  started on January 1st, as it did for everyone else. However, my intention as I went into this year, was different. I felt in my gut that I was going to be experiencing a job change soon and I wanted to start my year with people I love, listening to great music and to incorporate an opportunity for giving that went beyond a regular party. It was a way for me to have life continue on, even though a significant change was on the horizon. That was to be a HUGE understatement. 

I excitedly talked about the details of it with a friend of mine and having his inclusion was essential, because he LOVES disco and was happy to be the DJ! I knew he'd be up for the challenge. Next I did some brainstorming with my closest friend as to what it would look like. And the party began to take shape. The video shows what we finally ended up with - was it a blast to put together!

I had served previously with Ascensia, a local homeless shelter http://www.ascenciaca.org/ and wanted to see if donations gathered would serve their community. I was put in touch with Sarah, their donation coordinator and we were on our way. 

Our plan was to have the party at the Church, invite people to bring food and then bring donations to give to the shelter. I had no idea how many people would come, but we were prepared for whatever was going to happen. 

Afton came down from the Bay Area, made her own dress for the party and was a total rockstar!  I could never have done all the decorating you see above without her here. 

Here are a few shots of the final party: 

Afton's custom creation!

My dress was a stunning $ 4.95 ! 

Bassam from Ghana made delicious baklava as a treat for our dinner. I have never eaten anything close to this! 

My friend John, who went above and beyond to be authentic!

One bad AFRO band!

Our DJ is totally playful and fun and got into the groove !  He was perfect for this party in every sense! 

It was a night to remember and it a good time was had by everyone. Out of all my pictures, the ones that mean the most to me are these: 

The car is packed and ready to go!

Finally getting to meet Sarah!

As I said goodbye and Afton went home, I felt a sense of gratitude for everyone who participated. I love the synergy that is created when many hands are together working for a common goal. 

And that was the beginning of my 2014. It started out with a bang and there is so much more to come. 

A year older and possibly wiser - only time will tell

It has been more than 1 year since the last time I wrote in my blog and to be truthful,

had I not been reminded by someone who has read it recently, I might not be writing tonight.

As I read about the challenges I have written about previously, I find them hard to read.

Why would I  choose to keep myself in a place of sadness, frustration, anger ?  The woman

I know today makes different choices - and as I look back I can see my thinking has changed,

my understanding and love for myself has grown and I say no to those kinds of situations much

easier now...and I see I have taken a few more steps forward to who I believe I am supposed to be.

In my work life, I am still at the same company. My responsibilities have increased by 1/3 however,

my pay has not augmented accordingly. I appreciate the stability of my employment and while I 

dream about leaving for greener ($) pastures, I am not willing to put effort into finding a new job.

Right now, I know my job well, I am comfortable with my performance and I am 3 miles from

home. And in the back of my mind, I know I am within 10 mins of Glendale Adventist, should my

mother fall ill and need to be hospitalized.

Mom's health continues to be inconsistent. She is less and less mobile with days of intense pain.

Pain in her legs prevents her from walking much and keep her from getting sleep. She is grossly under

rested and extremely fatigued. And yet yesterday when I came home, she had mustered up enough

energy to wash the dishes. I was nearly in tears because I realize what it took for her to have

the energy to stand on her feet and wash them..and I was so grateful because I had worked 12

hours yesterday and did not have it in me to wash dishes when I returned. It was  an unexpected

blessing for which I was so grateful.

I feel Heavenly Father's hand of assistance with the smallest of things. Today I was reminded as

I drove to the Stake Center that very specific assistance is being given to me at times when I feel

as if I have no support. People have been coming out of the woodwork, lightening my load

so I can take one more step forward, send one more email, deal with one more problem etc.

As I understand from many lessons at Church, the Lord does not change our circumstances.

He give us strength to deal with the trials we experience, and they in turn strengthen us and turn

us back to Him.  It is a lifetime process of taking the humblest of beings and preparing us to 

be Kings and Queens. Can you even wrap your mind around that ? When I do, I realize

that my life is so important - and God wants me to want to be ready for that role. 

Am I doing enough to prepare ?

Tonight I go to bed considering where I am ,where I want to be and what path I am on so

that tomorrow I can take one more step in the right direction. 

Bonne nuit!

Rachel 

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

As I sat in Church yesterday, I had a lovely experience that reminded me of the beauty of life and of those who are part of my life that make it simply wonderful.

'Each Life That Touches Ours For Good' played softly as the women sang in 2 part harmony. The familiar tune giving me a sense that there wellness in life and that life is meant to have others in it. While I have sung this song many times before, the final verse caught my eye and touched my heart in a way it has not before. Let me share the words which were so powerful to me:
"For worthy friends whose lives proclaim devotion to the Savior's name, who bless our days with peace and love, we praise thy goodness Lord above."

A flood of emotions filled me as I thought of the worthy friends I have in my life whose lives are dedicated to having a Christlike attitude. Friends who stand by me when life is challenging, who listen even though they have trouble in their own lives. Friends who make me laugh when a need a reminder that I take myself a little too seriously, and friends with whom I can fast for the challenges we face. I am grateful for this beautiful hymn and for the life of my friends who continually point me to the Savior.

Burning Relief Comes At Last

I knew last night that today was going to be the day - the day I would finally let go of the pain and sadness of the past 3 years. And to be honest, today exceeded my expectations in every way possible!

I dreamed last night that I was near water and that I was doing work around my issues with this guy and when I woke up this morning, I was fully awake upon waking. I got up promptly, took a shower and then thought about what this was going to look like for me.

He sent me a text this morning saying he was going to be arriving home soon and I could come over after. It gave me time to prepare.

I wanted to go up to Lake Hollywood and take care of things there. It is an old stomping ground of ours and I felt a great place for things to end where they had started. However, God had other things in mind, and the reservoir was closed due to recent mudslides. Dang it! Plan B ?

We decided to go have crepes for breakfast before we headed out to the water to find a fire pit.
Solar de Cahuenga is a wonderful place to eat - seating with fresh air running from front to back. The air was so clean and fresh and warm - it was hard to believe it is February. We ate the same thing - and omitted the onions. Yeah...in 9 years that has not changed. After a good chat and a great meal, we continued our trek. We decided to head out on the 101 towards Topanga Canyon and take the canyon to the water. Lush green forests, clean fresh air, not a cloud in the sky - oh how I love California! We toured Malibu and headed north on PCH. The waves were amazing and the surfers were completely spellbound by the ocean. It was like watching an orchestra as each individual surfer looks for the perfect wave and then has an opportunity to ride that wave to the fullest. The roads were filled - and it was clear this was just another day in paradise!

We were searching for a fire pit - and we drove and drove and drove. Finally, after stopping for a bathroom break, we looked at our Thomas guide and realized 5 miles north of us was a camping ground. We would head there.

Leo Carrillo State Beach has campgrounds on the north side of the road. We drove in and rather than pay for our stay, we found a table and a fire pit to use for a short time. I will say though, it took a lot longer of a time than I had originally thought.

" First, this is all my work. And it stems from having an on again off again relationship with you for so many years. And there are parts of my life that are not clear and I feel as if I am carrying a very heavy burden. I want to leave those things here and find new and better things to keep with me."

I read him a passage from a book called " Lighten Up!" by Cheiko Okazaki which speaks of judgments....and it brought tears to my eyes. I have had many ugly, unpleasant judgements of this man and his life and wanted to let go of them once and for all and not have them interfere with my friendship with him. And so I spent the next 3o minutes or so writing each and every feeling down that was negative about him. There were so many, I was ashamed. And each one represented ways I was unable to see who he really is because my vision is skewed by these judgments. What I wanted was to be able to burn each of these, talk about where they came from, and what I am going to replace them with. It was a deeply moving experience. Because
of the highly personal nature of the comments and my feelings, I will simply say that the healing that occurred on that day was some of the most healing I have had at any time in my life.
I left behind all of my sadness and regained a true friend. It was a miracle right before my eyes!

As I completed my work, I hugged him and a wonderful sense of relief ran over me. I also realized that there were many things which I brought up which were also issues for him. His work was also being done at the same time. I believe there was healing for us both.

I gave him a card as a momento of this day - and a chapter in a book called " No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew.

I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing this day to happen, for showing me how it needed to unfold and for showing me that forgiveness starts with oneself and blossoms to others from there. I feel as if 20 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I AM FREE !!!

I am FREE TO :

- love again with all my heart - especially myself
- find joy without judgements
- allow him to lead the life he is supposed to lead believing he is on the right path for him
- move forward with my life and work on becoming the woman I am meant to be!
- close this door. Keeping those gifts that have come my way, and letting go of sadness, sorrow, pain and guilt that I have held onto for so long.
- support without caretaking
- to live my perfect life!!!

Thank you to my friend. I have found the closure I seek. I am now complete!

How To Train Your Dragon

How To Train Your Dragon

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Am I My Brother's Keeper?

As I sat and listened intently to the story of Cain and Abel yesterday, the quote that is often misquoted for its context was read, " Am I my brother's keeper?" My fast had been to clarify
what friendship means, what boundaries are necessary, when walking away is appropriate and understanding why certain people are in my life. Am I there for them or are they there for me?
Does my friendship make a difference - or are they the ones making a difference in my life? My mind is tired and my heart heavy as I contemplate the relationships I had been part of recently.

How do I reconcile the greater vision of my faith with the day to day trials that come as a part of that friendship? At what point is it enough? At what point do I walk away? And what of forgiveness...My body is filled with tension today as I think about it all.

There is more to write and for now, this is all I have time for.

Part 2 - February 10, 2010

I have had several days to think on the matter and grateful for insights that have come my way.

As for being my brother's keeper - yes, indeed I am. I am a voice of warning and even with that warning, I am not responsible for my brother's choices. And while it saddens me at times to watch those I care for make decisions that seem both unwise and lacking long term visions, I recognize I am only a voice - one voice in a sea of voices that pull, tug, and drag us in different directions - some towards our eternal goals and many others far away.

As a follow up to my previous post about this person with whom I have had many negative interactions, it has now been 5 days, and I have had 1 text from him...and nothing more. My judgment is that he is moving on with his life and dealing with his challenges in his own way. I have prayed for peace and in some sense, the peace has come in very tangible ways. I am no longer being constantly berated, belittled, yelled at or cursed at. And when I look at those male friends in my life who treat me differently, the contrast is like night and day. I have a lot of sadness of how this has ended - and I have cried many lonely tears about it all - and I have heard he is dealing with his own sadness in his life and not adding me to the mix is probably very wise.

In speaking with a friend at dinner the other day, he said " You have to walk away and not look back. Everything about this man says he does not like you, respect you, care for you and is unwilling to see the wonderful woman you are. What will it take for you to finally let go?"
What it is taking is not responding....not calling, no texting, no emails...no contact. And it is probably better for us both. I know I don't say the things he wants to hear - I am highly judgmental and cannot hear his thoughts and ideas because IMJ they are not based in reality.
They are based only on his wants, his desires, his dreams...and none of them are coming true.
In some way, I feel bad for him because I do want him to have love in his life, to be stable, to find happiness - and I am not in charge of any of that. I have had my time to help him - now he must take care of things on his own. Oh how I wish his life was different - and yet I pray that the natural consequences of his choices will eventually be so evident that the choice he makes will be obvious and clear.

I don't think I have ever worried about someone for so long and so much in my life. I know I am hurting - and what have I lost? What have I gained after all this? Right now, there is so much negativity about it all, I may not be able to truly see the blessings this man has brought into my life. There must be opposition in all things - for all the challenges, there must also be joy in some manner, even though it may be harder to see and recognize.

And what I understand is that he is angry with me -and he is unwilling to make things clear with me. I cannot change that and am unwilling to walk back into the fire. I have had more than enough " truth" to last a lifetime right now. All the "truth" you shared with me has hurt me to my core. While I am grateful for the information, it saddens me that I let you carry on for so long and believe at some point I would be recognized in the way I wanted. Well wake up girlfriend, it ain't never going to happen like that - ever!

So I am again in a place of deep thought, some sadness, some pain and wonder as I figure out what the next step is in my life on this path I call life.

I miss my friend when he was my friend - but I don't miss the nightmare this has become.
I do not know if this chapter is closed - I know the door is on my side and my guess is that he will never open it again. It may truly be over - and an answer to prayer on both sides.

If I'm Not The One Thing You Can't Stand To Lose

"If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose,
If I'm not the arrow to the heart of you...
Consider me a memory.Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If you think you can do better than this,then I guess we're done, let's not drag it on...
Consider me gone."

- Reba McIntyre from the album "Keep On Loving You"

On December 5th 2001, I met a man who changed my life - literally. And somewhere in the story, I confused loving someone in a healthy way with loving someone in an unhealthy way.
We started out as friends, innocent enough. In fact, I did not even think he liked me at all when I met him. It was strange - and I am not sure how we ever got to where we are. There were lots of signs along the way that should have told me to stop investing time in nurturing a relationship that will never grow. And still, I planted a flag that has been literally impossible to uproot. I planted hope, desire, dreams and a mountain of expectations which could never be filled in the way I want them to be.

I come from a family of rescuers. I have seen it again and again - and so almost without thinking I have let this man treat me in ways that have been at times so abusive that if I watched my life as a movie, I am sure I would have sat silently in tears to watch the pain of it all.
While he certainly is responsible for his side of things, I am responsible for letting it get this way.
I am reminded that men can only treat me poorly if I let them ... and I let him. I listened as he yelled, as he made his failures mine, as he criticized my language, my explanations, my choices, and labeled me someone who "drives him nuts" and " would never want a relationship with"...except with or without a label, we had a relationship. A co-dependent abusive relationship. Mind you, he has never hurt me with his hands, and I don't believe he ever would. The wounds he inflicts are of the verbal kind and hurt far worse than a punch. The human mind tortures its victims and replays words as if they were on a Memorex tape - and somewhere I believed things he said. And they have hurt me in a deep place in my heart.

I should have walked away years ago. I should have set boundaries. I should have hung up when he was out of control and not called back. I should have let him land on his butt so the natural consequences of life would hit him like a ton of bricks. I have protected him for several years from the downfall of his life ...and I would love to say I am alone in that project - but I am not. His parents, the Church he attends, even his current girlfriend contribute to the problem. And the abusiveness continues...until 3 days ago.

I am part of a women's group that is entirely focused on women healing their lives. I have not attended a circle in more than a year, and excitedly attended one on Thursday. Once the evening was done, I decided to call this man to tell him about my evening. What a wet blanket!
Countless times I have been there for him and he could not even be happy for me ( and that is the problem right there by the way - that I expect him to be happy for me and really the only person that needs to be happy for me is ME!). Anyhow, in the course of the conversation, he became demeaning in his language and began to make fun of what I was saying. I told him to stop, which he was unwilling to do. So I made a choice that I felt was necessary " If you are unwillng to stop, then you will need to talk to yourself because I am hanging up. Good night".

I was so proud of myself! And the best part of it all is I was not angry. I was simply clear about my wants and what is acceptable to me. I stood by it! I was fearful from that moment that he was going to be mad at me - and was okay to let that be true. I chose to take care of myself in a healthy way. It felt good!

Friday evening he called again - and by the end of the 3 hour conversation again I had been hurt in the course of us talking. So I posed him and myself the question " What are you getting out of this? If you don't care about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, then why am I in your life? Maybe what is happening is that you are not getting what you need in your current relationship and I provide the missing parts...and if that is true then you need to seriously think about that.
I am not willing to be the "missing link" in your life. And if you don't find any benefit, let me loose. Let me go and let me find happiness in my life . I invite you to take some time and think about what I am to you, why you continue to talk to me and what this is really all about - and I will do the same. "

And when I got off the phone, I realized that I may be the one who let's me loose and not him.

So as part of my fast this weekend, I am fasting for clarity and peace with regards to this situation. I want to give some time to understand why I have been there, what I have gotten out of this situation and what I want moving forward in my life. Through prayer and sincere desire, I will find peace about it all and allow God to work his miracle in both our lives. I know He can heal hurt, pain, suffering and sadness. I ask for His help to mend the wounds that we both inflict on each other.

Another chapter of Project Me....Can't wait to see what happens next!