Awareness 2014 - Getting to the bottom of things - Part 2

It's now Tuesday, February 3rd and I am feeling better. I can sit and I'm not in pain all the time. It surely has to be working right ? Something is happening in there! 

In talking to my mother about things, she mentions that I should get a hold of my previous employer and ask about getting my Kaiser coverage reinstated. I am sure that it can't happen that quickly, and honestly, I was pretty dismissive about it. I didn't want to bother anyone and it would happen anyhow. I could wait...or so I thought. So I did nothing with the nudge she gave me that day. I should know better than to ignore my mother. She is ridiculously in tune about spiritual matters. 

The day comes and goes without much fanfare and I go to bed for the night, saying prayers of extreme gratitude for the healing that is happening so far. More tears...and finally sleep.

3:15 AM - OUCH! My pain level has jumped to an 8 all of a sudden. I can barely get up out of bed to get pain medication. I decide to get a cold pack and see if I can get the pain down. Heck, I will stand on my head and spit nails if it will make a difference !!  It is about an hour before the pain subsides enough for me to go to sleep and then it is only on my side. It appears to me that the abscess is grown or the area of radiant heat/pain surrounding it has grown. I don't understand - I AM TAKING ANTIBIOTICS!  I'm tired, hurting, cranky and am going to need to deal with this at a higher level - the word SURGEON comes back into my mind and I am scared. I lay in bed praying for relief and more tears. 

Once I finally get up out of bed, which is a feat in and of itself, I am able to make my way to the only chair in the entire apartment that is comfortable for me to sit in, with a pillow on the seat. Who cares ? I am TIRED of being horizontal. As I sit at the dining room table with my mother, she again prods me about connecting with my former employer about Kaiser being reinstated.  "Fine."  Yeah, there were a lot of other words that were running through my mind at the moment, but gratefully I censored them. As I called the HR office and spoke to my colleague, he sent me the paperwork immediately and I was able to take care of payment immediately. I could not believe the immediacy of all of this. I am reminded that God is willing to bless us, He simply needs us to ACT.

I did my part and He did his. Now I am waiting for the email that says,

"Your coverage has now been reinstated."  And more patience was going to be required before that email would come. 

The day continued to be restless and I am sure I was as surly as they come. Living on either the couch or in my bed, drifting from sleep to hazy periods of awakedness... I want to move, I want to go to the gym, I want to do anything except deal with the fact that I am going to be making a call to have this thing lanced. The entire idea has me freaked out. And we aren't even entirely sure we know what it is. 

Thursday, February 6th is another in and out of pain day. I had forgotten to mention earlier this week that I had started a dialogue with a new company about a position they were looking to fill. Today was to be the 5th interview with them. The other 4 were by phone and this one was to meet the Exec himself. By nothing short of a miracle, I was able to drive to the appointment, sit for 45 minutes and have a very good meeting. I also met my former boss and handed over the final affairs that I had amassed at the end and needed to pass on. 

By 1 pm, I was DONE and needed a nap and upon waking from a nap, I notice an email has come in. My Kaiser coverage has been reinstated!! So fast ! In fact, Mother is pleasantly impressed by how quickly this all took place. I say a quick prayer of gratitude for the solution coming so speedily.  I feel like the past week has caused me to look to God in every step - and miracles come. I am being schooled in deepening my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know he hears and answers my prayers and loves me, and that assurance can get me through a lot of life's trials. I sent an email to the doctor I saw on the 30th and let her know that a referral was going to be in order, given that there was little improvement. Out into the ether it goes - and let's hope that she reads it and gets back to me. 

Another night of pain medication and sleeping in 4-6 hour increments. I am missing my normal sleep pattern and I am longing for things to be better. Now!  (One of my good friends said that one of the lessons I am learning in all of this is patience. Apparently, I still have not learned that yet. UGH!)

It's Friday, February 7th and the phone rings early and it is Kaiser surgery center calling to schedule an appointment for me. My gut is clenching with anxiety. How long am I going to wait ? And SURGEON comes back in my mind. Maybe I need to see a surgeon because it is going to be lanced ?  I mean, do they consider it real surgery ? It is in the office, right ?

They set an appointment for 3 pm on Monday, February 10, in downtown LA.  That's going to be a good time. My fear of medical procedures is almost eclipsed by the fear my mother has about driving in downtown LA. Can you be on Valium and drive ? I'm kidding...sort of. I ask the appointment nurse if she can call me back and explain to me what will happen. The sooner I wrap my head around the reality of what is going to happen, the better it will be. 

Before that can happen though, they change my doctor to a colorectal doctor and change the time of the appointment to 10 AM on Monday. 

Huh? What do they think I have and why are they adding that to the mix ? Someone is not telling me something...

The nurse calls me back and explains the procedure:

1) Review the location of the abscess

2) Give local anesthesia to the area

3) Lance/drain 

4) Pack up wound

5) Send me home

Let me have time to digest this...and pray that it will all go exactly as it is supposed to... I am praying for comfort. And it comes...in the form of a friend. Now things are about to get VERY real.  

Awareness 2014 - Getting to the bottom of things - Part 1

It's January 30th and this morning I wake up and the pain is unbearable. I can't sit down, I can only lay on my side and my pain is managed by ibuprofen, and still it wakes me up out of dead sleep. What I know for sure is that there is a lump that hurts like crazy under my skin, in a very tender part of my body. I have no idea how it got there and I don't know how to make it go away, and all I can think about is that I have today and tomorrow to take care of this before my health insurance expires. To say I am freaked out would be an understatement. I said a prayer before I called Kaiser to see if I could see a doctor - and hoping one that actually knew me would be in.

YES! A doctor I have seen previously is in today and I'll be able to see her. That is of some comfort to me and tears erupt because I feel hopeful that she will have a solution to this pain.

I went to work, trying to make things seem as normal as possible. I am surprised that no one notice my slow methodical pace of walking. And grateful to not have questions. I sat in whatever position I could manage and waited until it was time for me to see the doctor. Honestly, I am sure time could not have gone any slower. Were it not for a good friend who constantly made me laugh at the craziness of the situation, I think I would have gone insane.

I finally get to Kaiser and am pacing in the waiting room - sitting is not working for me at the moment. I am shown inside, all vitals are good, and I realize I have gained a few pounds not being able to exercise lately. And today, I don't give a rats tail ! 

Grateful to have a female doctor for this visit, she takes a look at what is happening. Red, painful, raised...an abscess.  But because of the tenderness of it , she can't explain what is going on, because it is positioned in an odd place. ( Of course it is! My body often has a mind of its own!)  She has 2 courses of action: 1) take antibiotics and pray that is goes away on its own and 2) connect me with a surgeon to lance it, clear out the infection and 
send me on my merry way. 

Because Cobra will have not yet kicked in to continue my healthcare coverage and the word surgeon has me FREAKED OUT, we decide on antibiotics. 10 day of Augmentin. I can cope with that. And back to work I go. 

I get through my final day at my job, antibiotics have started and I feel that I should ask for a Priesthood blessing. For those of you that are not familiar with what that is, let me explain. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that men are given the power to act in God's name for the benefit of others. One way is to give a blessing of healing, which is accomplished by 2 Priesthood brothers working together. One is putting consecrated oil on the individual's head and pronouncing a prayer of anointing. Then they both place their hands on the persons head and the other one gives the blessing, which is like a prayer. I have had several of these over my lifetime and have a testimony that God works through his sons, on my behalf.
Here is more on that subject: http://www.lds.org/topics/priesthood-blessing?lang=eng

It's now Sunday morning. I have been on antibiotics for 2 1/2 days and am going to try to go to Church. I have no idea how I am going to sit for 3 hours, but I have enough faith to know that I am in the right place and God will take care of the pain. I find a seat and in the middle of the Sacrament, I realize that I am in no pain. None. Zero. And the image of the Savior taking upon himself all of our infirmities comes to my mind. Jesus Christ gave his life so that I could be free of pain in this life, if I would seek him and emulate his life. In that moment, I understood that like I had not previously. The tears would not stop. I was deeply overcome with emotion and sent my friend a message saying " I am not in pain. I am blown away! " 

Fortunately, that comfort continued and I was able to connect with my Home Teacher. He and another brother sat with me and wanted to know what was going on. And out it came: I am now unemployed, have a abscess that needs healing, am on medication and am without health insurance until Cobra kicks in. And I am seeking the Lord's counsel as to what is happening in my life and a blessing of healing, if it is His will.

Those good brethren gave me that blessing, counseling me about work, about my health and about relying on the help of others and especially the priesthood leaders in my area. It was extremely personal and I knew the words that Bro. Johnson spoke were not his, they were from my Heavenly Father, sent and meant to comfort his daughter. 

I felt tremendous gratitude and hopefulness as I left that meeting. And I had every hope that the medicine would work, saving me from surgery. Besides how I am going to get my benefits reinstated so quickly ?  This blessing had to work. I know my mother had been praying for healing to come and these brothers were doing the same. Was that God's will or was there more to come and this was the calm before the storm ?

Awareness 2014 - I've Got A Feeling...

When God lets me know change is on the horizon, it is manifest in different ways. Sometimes it is a dream that wakes me out of a dead sleep. Sometimes it is a deep feeling in my gut that I can't shake and isn't easily explained. And it is my internal radar that has been triggered, advising me to pay close attention to what is happening around me. Listen for information, open my mind and heart to options and prayerfully ask for guidance to keep my feet grounded when the seas of life are about to turn upside down.

I had felt for a long time that my job was going to be ending, and that my working relationship with my boss thus far was by God's grace alone. We had been through so much together and there were still reasons for our work to continue, but neither of us were lying to ourselves about the inevitable future. After nearly 5 years, our journey was going to end. 

Especially hard was the sense of loyalty that I felt to my job, to the company and to my boss. My own internal struggle made it challenging for me to even consider moving forward until it was time. I wanted permission, if you will, to go and move on with my life. I hoped equally that my staying would rewarded with a decent severance and that those funds would give me to time to choose my next job and not just take the first one that came to me. 

I happened to notice a message that was left for my boss, and the writing was on the wall. It is not every day that the head of HR wants to chat with my boss. That was on Thursday, January 10th.  I was literally dying to have my longstanding feelings confirmed. And my boss sat on that information until Sunday evening, when he sent me a text asking me to call him.  I read the message, my heart sank and tears came - and I had not even talked to him yet! It was like a release valve finally allowed me to let go of months of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I recovered from my initial response and accepted right away that the news had finally come and I readied myself to talk to my boss. Was I going to leave tomorrow ? Was there time to finish the loose ends ?  I just needed to call him and get it over with.

True to his nature, my boss was candid about what happened, that they would have no further need of me since our project had ended and that he was sad to have me leave. He wished he could change the outcome - and I was touched by his sincerity. The details were relatively easy - we had until January 31st to finish out business and close the office. I was eligible for severance and that I needed to have a follow up meeting for the details of a it all. Having 3 weeks was more than I could have hoped for!  Not only would I have time to make things work for him, but I could leave the job I loved in a good way, on positive terms and with my head held high. 

Once I met with our HR person, we talked about the entire journey at the company. And most of all, about how much my boss had grown and what part, if any, I had in his development over the last 5 years.  It is beautiful to sit with someone and realize that in deep trials a metamorphosis can occur and when the individual emerges a new, deeper, kinder human being,it is to me the great miracle of life.  She reminded me of the contributions that I have made to the company, but most of all that I was someone well respected, loved by both colleagues and executives and was leaving on the best of terms. And she was happy to be able to say that, as it is not the case with everyone that meets with her. What a comfort that conversation was to me.

I did make a choice after the first week to stop applying for new jobs until I was done with the current position. It gave me space to deal with the change, space to be open to the goodbyes, space to feel the multitude of feelings that were yet to come. 

The last few weeks were a blur of activity, going through 5 years of files, and making sure that only those that were essential were kept for the future. Lunches with colleagues, each asking how I was doing and if I was already applying for jobs. Their concern was evident. And tears. I would be in the middle of a task and a sense of sadness came over me. Losing a job is one of the 5 major stressors in a lifetime and true to form, I was experiencing the beginning of the grieving process. Grateful for solitude that allowed me to let go piece by piece and be present for the many conversations that I had during those two weeks. It was going to be okay. Prayer had confirmed to me again and again that things were going to be fine. I needed to believe that confirmation and trust God. 

And there was more on the horizon that was going to completely take over my time and give me a new focus, this time fully about myself and my health. On my last week of work, I had a pain that was growing and while I pushed it off as best as I could, I woke up on the day before my last day and made and appointment to see the doctor, as my health benefits were going to expire the next day. That was the wisest decision I made that week. 

Awareness 2014 - The Year Begins in a Groovy Way

Yes, I know it is February 15, 2014 - and the New Year began 6 weeks ago.
However, I wanted to do some reflecting on the past 6 weeks and the journey that has been mine so far this year. It has been nothing short of an entire lesson in awareness and recognition of God's plan in my life and how that manifests itself in my daily experience.

Out with the OLD, in with DISCO

My new year  started on January 1st, as it did for everyone else. However, my intention as I went into this year, was different. I felt in my gut that I was going to be experiencing a job change soon and I wanted to start my year with people I love, listening to great music and to incorporate an opportunity for giving that went beyond a regular party. It was a way for me to have life continue on, even though a significant change was on the horizon. That was to be a HUGE understatement. 

I excitedly talked about the details of it with a friend of mine and having his inclusion was essential, because he LOVES disco and was happy to be the DJ! I knew he'd be up for the challenge. Next I did some brainstorming with my closest friend as to what it would look like. And the party began to take shape. The video shows what we finally ended up with - was it a blast to put together!

I had served previously with Ascensia, a local homeless shelter http://www.ascenciaca.org/ and wanted to see if donations gathered would serve their community. I was put in touch with Sarah, their donation coordinator and we were on our way. 

Our plan was to have the party at the Church, invite people to bring food and then bring donations to give to the shelter. I had no idea how many people would come, but we were prepared for whatever was going to happen. 

Afton came down from the Bay Area, made her own dress for the party and was a total rockstar!  I could never have done all the decorating you see above without her here. 

Here are a few shots of the final party: 

Afton's custom creation!

My dress was a stunning $ 4.95 ! 

Bassam from Ghana made delicious baklava as a treat for our dinner. I have never eaten anything close to this! 

My friend John, who went above and beyond to be authentic!

One bad AFRO band!

Our DJ is totally playful and fun and got into the groove !  He was perfect for this party in every sense! 

It was a night to remember and it a good time was had by everyone. Out of all my pictures, the ones that mean the most to me are these: 

The car is packed and ready to go!

Finally getting to meet Sarah!

As I said goodbye and Afton went home, I felt a sense of gratitude for everyone who participated. I love the synergy that is created when many hands are together working for a common goal. 

And that was the beginning of my 2014. It started out with a bang and there is so much more to come. 

A year older and possibly wiser - only time will tell

It has been more than 1 year since the last time I wrote in my blog and to be truthful,

had I not been reminded by someone who has read it recently, I might not be writing tonight.

As I read about the challenges I have written about previously, I find them hard to read.

Why would I  choose to keep myself in a place of sadness, frustration, anger ?  The woman

I know today makes different choices - and as I look back I can see my thinking has changed,

my understanding and love for myself has grown and I say no to those kinds of situations much

easier now...and I see I have taken a few more steps forward to who I believe I am supposed to be.

In my work life, I am still at the same company. My responsibilities have increased by 1/3 however,

my pay has not augmented accordingly. I appreciate the stability of my employment and while I 

dream about leaving for greener ($) pastures, I am not willing to put effort into finding a new job.

Right now, I know my job well, I am comfortable with my performance and I am 3 miles from

home. And in the back of my mind, I know I am within 10 mins of Glendale Adventist, should my

mother fall ill and need to be hospitalized.

Mom's health continues to be inconsistent. She is less and less mobile with days of intense pain.

Pain in her legs prevents her from walking much and keep her from getting sleep. She is grossly under

rested and extremely fatigued. And yet yesterday when I came home, she had mustered up enough

energy to wash the dishes. I was nearly in tears because I realize what it took for her to have

the energy to stand on her feet and wash them..and I was so grateful because I had worked 12

hours yesterday and did not have it in me to wash dishes when I returned. It was  an unexpected

blessing for which I was so grateful.

I feel Heavenly Father's hand of assistance with the smallest of things. Today I was reminded as

I drove to the Stake Center that very specific assistance is being given to me at times when I feel

as if I have no support. People have been coming out of the woodwork, lightening my load

so I can take one more step forward, send one more email, deal with one more problem etc.

As I understand from many lessons at Church, the Lord does not change our circumstances.

He give us strength to deal with the trials we experience, and they in turn strengthen us and turn

us back to Him.  It is a lifetime process of taking the humblest of beings and preparing us to 

be Kings and Queens. Can you even wrap your mind around that ? When I do, I realize

that my life is so important - and God wants me to want to be ready for that role. 

Am I doing enough to prepare ?

Tonight I go to bed considering where I am ,where I want to be and what path I am on so

that tomorrow I can take one more step in the right direction. 

Bonne nuit!

Rachel 

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

As I sat in Church yesterday, I had a lovely experience that reminded me of the beauty of life and of those who are part of my life that make it simply wonderful.

'Each Life That Touches Ours For Good' played softly as the women sang in 2 part harmony. The familiar tune giving me a sense that there wellness in life and that life is meant to have others in it. While I have sung this song many times before, the final verse caught my eye and touched my heart in a way it has not before. Let me share the words which were so powerful to me:
"For worthy friends whose lives proclaim devotion to the Savior's name, who bless our days with peace and love, we praise thy goodness Lord above."

A flood of emotions filled me as I thought of the worthy friends I have in my life whose lives are dedicated to having a Christlike attitude. Friends who stand by me when life is challenging, who listen even though they have trouble in their own lives. Friends who make me laugh when a need a reminder that I take myself a little too seriously, and friends with whom I can fast for the challenges we face. I am grateful for this beautiful hymn and for the life of my friends who continually point me to the Savior.

Burning Relief Comes At Last

I knew last night that today was going to be the day - the day I would finally let go of the pain and sadness of the past 3 years. And to be honest, today exceeded my expectations in every way possible!

I dreamed last night that I was near water and that I was doing work around my issues with this guy and when I woke up this morning, I was fully awake upon waking. I got up promptly, took a shower and then thought about what this was going to look like for me.

He sent me a text this morning saying he was going to be arriving home soon and I could come over after. It gave me time to prepare.

I wanted to go up to Lake Hollywood and take care of things there. It is an old stomping ground of ours and I felt a great place for things to end where they had started. However, God had other things in mind, and the reservoir was closed due to recent mudslides. Dang it! Plan B ?

We decided to go have crepes for breakfast before we headed out to the water to find a fire pit.
Solar de Cahuenga is a wonderful place to eat - seating with fresh air running from front to back. The air was so clean and fresh and warm - it was hard to believe it is February. We ate the same thing - and omitted the onions. Yeah...in 9 years that has not changed. After a good chat and a great meal, we continued our trek. We decided to head out on the 101 towards Topanga Canyon and take the canyon to the water. Lush green forests, clean fresh air, not a cloud in the sky - oh how I love California! We toured Malibu and headed north on PCH. The waves were amazing and the surfers were completely spellbound by the ocean. It was like watching an orchestra as each individual surfer looks for the perfect wave and then has an opportunity to ride that wave to the fullest. The roads were filled - and it was clear this was just another day in paradise!

We were searching for a fire pit - and we drove and drove and drove. Finally, after stopping for a bathroom break, we looked at our Thomas guide and realized 5 miles north of us was a camping ground. We would head there.

Leo Carrillo State Beach has campgrounds on the north side of the road. We drove in and rather than pay for our stay, we found a table and a fire pit to use for a short time. I will say though, it took a lot longer of a time than I had originally thought.

" First, this is all my work. And it stems from having an on again off again relationship with you for so many years. And there are parts of my life that are not clear and I feel as if I am carrying a very heavy burden. I want to leave those things here and find new and better things to keep with me."

I read him a passage from a book called " Lighten Up!" by Cheiko Okazaki which speaks of judgments....and it brought tears to my eyes. I have had many ugly, unpleasant judgements of this man and his life and wanted to let go of them once and for all and not have them interfere with my friendship with him. And so I spent the next 3o minutes or so writing each and every feeling down that was negative about him. There were so many, I was ashamed. And each one represented ways I was unable to see who he really is because my vision is skewed by these judgments. What I wanted was to be able to burn each of these, talk about where they came from, and what I am going to replace them with. It was a deeply moving experience. Because
of the highly personal nature of the comments and my feelings, I will simply say that the healing that occurred on that day was some of the most healing I have had at any time in my life.
I left behind all of my sadness and regained a true friend. It was a miracle right before my eyes!

As I completed my work, I hugged him and a wonderful sense of relief ran over me. I also realized that there were many things which I brought up which were also issues for him. His work was also being done at the same time. I believe there was healing for us both.

I gave him a card as a momento of this day - and a chapter in a book called " No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew.

I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing this day to happen, for showing me how it needed to unfold and for showing me that forgiveness starts with oneself and blossoms to others from there. I feel as if 20 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I AM FREE !!!

I am FREE TO :

- love again with all my heart - especially myself
- find joy without judgements
- allow him to lead the life he is supposed to lead believing he is on the right path for him
- move forward with my life and work on becoming the woman I am meant to be!
- close this door. Keeping those gifts that have come my way, and letting go of sadness, sorrow, pain and guilt that I have held onto for so long.
- support without caretaking
- to live my perfect life!!!

Thank you to my friend. I have found the closure I seek. I am now complete!