At 5:44 PM on Friday, August 21st, the Seven Year Rescue came to a glorious, hard fought end. It was a day I had hoped for, thought about, and eventually knew would arrive. It was the day I became completely DEBT FREE!
What I wasn't prepared for was the lessons that would come out of the journey, some of which came to me only today while sitting in Church.
Allow me to give you a little color on why this is all so important and why I am even bothering to write about it. My intention is to share this so that someone else who is even considering for a moment to do the same will think twice. I was challenged to write my raw feelings about what happened - and I will, if for no one else for myself.
The Backstory:
I loved a man I should not have loved. Our relationship was toxic, unequally yoked and like walking on eggshells. This guy was my best friend, my confidant, he could push my buttons like a champ, and he could be tender, sweet and attentive. To say our lives were enmeshed was an understatement. To be fair, sometimes God gives us exactly what we want in order for us to learn. I wanted this man in my life...for all the wrong reasons.
(What I now know was that the reason we were so close had more to do with the alcoholism we had in common, in his family and in mine. We spoke a common language which we understood at an emotional level. Both were/are codependent by nature and family upbringing.)
Over the course of 18 months, I spent $15,000 bailing him out of his life, his choices and making life better for him. I paid rent for him. I paid bills for him. I reconciled his finances for him. I dealt with creditors for him. I relocated to be able to be closer to him, even though I convinced myself it wasn't about him. It was a bill here, some money there. I put money in is bank account so his account wouldn't be over drawn and incur more charges. I even joined his business so that would have more reason to have him in my life. My payoff was being wanted. Was knowing I was making a difference in his life because I could. And he could throw me an emotional bone from time to time and I would stay. It makes me cry as I write this - to think I thought so little of myself to allow all of that to happen.
My thinking was that rather than watch him bottom out, I could handle it better than he could. It was a total and complete lie. I was paying everything with a credit card at 19.24% APR. I would fill out those little checks like there were endless funds. I upped my credit limit to 15,000 just to be able to accommodate even more. I not only maxed out this card, but another card for $7500 as well, by helping a family member and robbing Peter to pay Paul.
I helped him enter and win a contest where he won a large sum of money, just a little under my current annual salary. It my mind, it was a perfect opportunity for him to set things straight in his life and to pay me back. I mean, if someone had been helping you for more than a year, wouldn't it seem reasonable to pay them back ? Magical thinking on my part. When he finally got the money, I finally dared to broach the subject about him paying me. He was furious! How dare I even ask him ?!
I felt embarrassed for asking for what I wanted and then I was angry. REALLY angry! What the heck was he talking about? You can't even THINK about paying me back, even a little bit ?
Eventually and against his will, he gave me something, but it was a drop in the bucket.
By the time everything was said and done, I was over $32,000 in debt between my car payment and my credit cards. I was drowning so someone else could float. And then to add insult to injury, he met someone else, started a relationship with her and then married her.
I had given everything I could for love and in the end it didn't matter. I felt used, verbally abused and like a carpet that I allowed him to walk all over - except that I invited it and then thanked him for the privilege of helping him. My thinking was absolutely screwed up. My heart was broken in more ways than I could count. I lost my best friend, my confidant and I was left to pick up the pieces. I was embarrassed that I had given so much for so little in return. I was angry with myself for destroying my financial life in such a grand fashion and I had nothing but a mountain of bills to show for it.
Honestly, his marriage was the best thing that could have happened to both of us. I needed to find myself again. And I needed to figure out how I was going to undo the damage I had done.
I chipped away at the debt but it took really making some tough decisions that allowed me to finally get out of debt. I had to begin to use a budget. I needed to pay more than just the minimum on my cards at every opportunity. The 2 pivotal moments that made the difference were: paying off my car and changing jobs. Once I paid off my car, I was able to snowball my debt at an accelerated speed.
I dedicated my bonus to my debt, and watched the debt begin to really go down. As I finally hit under $10,000, I realized I had paid 2/3's of my debt. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It became exciting. I shared my journey with a friend who kept me motivated and likened my journey to running the bases. As the amount kept falling, he said " You are rounding 3rd base", and I could see it ...and moreover, I was believing it. I was going to be out of debt. I could hardly believe it !!!
There were a multitude of lessons I have learned over the last 7 years. Here are a few of them:
1) A man who allows a woman to help him out of a financial hole loses respect for himself and eventually for her.
2) A man can accept financial help from a woman without being emotionally connected to her.
3) Never give someone you love money. It will change your relationship forever.
4) Unless I expressly set up an agreement for repayment, don't assume the other person has any intention of repaying.
5)There is only one Savior - and I'm not it.
6) If you feel you are over helping someone, you are.
7) Never take away another person's struggle. You have no idea what challenges God has given them to grow.
8) There are lots of healthy ways to support someone. Money isn't one of them.
9) A relationship that is unequally yoked will eventually end.
10) If both people aren't all in, then you don't have a relationship. You are dreaming to think you do.
Current lessons:
I realized today that I carried a low simmering anger in my heart for years about this entire situation. Today, as tears fell from my eyes, peace and forgiveness filled my heart. I felt the weight of 7 years come off my shoulders and empty out of my heart.
I felt sadness that had wasted so much time being angry at him and angry at myself. I resented the fact that he was able to take so easily, and was embarrassed that I gave so much. And today, I put that into perspective. I did what I did. It's done. I can't go back and undo any of it. I forgave myself for not taking better care of myself and my heart. I forgave him for a multitude of things.
I am grateful to know that chapter of my life is over. I have learned to value myself, my worth. I have learned how to love without rescuing. I have learned how to say no. I am learning how to balance my desire to help with asking others if they actually need or want that help.
And I have learned that my Savior, Jesus Christ, gave his life so that each of us can work out our salvation here on earth. I have felt his love and support as my heart healed and my life changed.
I am preparing for my future with a lightness of heart and in my step. It is a new place for me and I am stepping fully into my own.
What a beautiful place to finally be!
Rachel
