Awareness 2014 - Insight Comes At The Strangest of Times

I'm at the gym... on the elliptical and it is day 3 of the GCC challenge.

When I work out, I listen to music. - often iHeart radio because there are so many different
channels I can listen to...variety keeps me motivated and interested. I'm pretty sure most of you have done or do the same thing.

Not expecting this day to be any different than any other, I continue to channel surf, until I fall upon the song, " A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. 

As I continue with my pace, the words catch my attention as the song starts:

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

Then all of a sudden as I listen to the words, " one step closer" begins to take on new meaning to me. And realize this song is revealing a truth about myself, a window I don't often look in.. more lyrics continue to stir my thoughts

[Chorus:]
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And I realize that this song for me is about the love that Christ as for me. He has loved me for a thousand years, and will love me for a thousand more ...and he is asking me to be brave. Stand in that place of fear and possible failure and replace it with the pure love that He is trying to show me...for myself. The song continues:

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I realize as I stand on this machine that there is a deeper truth for me. I have a hard time losing weight because I don't believe I am worthy of love. My weight is my mask. It keeps me from being fully confident, keeps me from trying new things, gives me excuses. I am afraid of words such a beautiful, attractive, sexy, hot , gorgeous - let alone others such as inspiring, a mentor, a leader. And here I stand on this machine and I realize I am being given a chance with every single step I take ..one step closer to being who I REALLY am. I see my reflection in my phone as I sing the lyrics and tears are in my eyes, because I cannot see my gold.

In this moment, I realize that the love of my Savior is pure and for me to be who I can be, I want to develop that kind of love for myself. FREAK! I was not expecting this experience here on the elliptical. The song continues:

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

And then the toughest realization of all - I am afraid of being loved. I know how to be the great friend, to give advice, to be a good listener, to help someone else and I am scared to death to be loved and to let someone love me. And again I realize this is another of the lessons, I learn from both the Savior and Heavenly Father. The very idea of not being afraid of their love. Of allowing them to love me, to care for me, to help me to bless me , to counsel me , to guide me. If I trust them and can put my trust in them, then why not trust a man ? The song ends like this:

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

"Time has brought your heart to me". That's it. This time in my life is about bringing my heart to Him, and for finding my heart within myself and recognizing that I am worthy of love. It is my time to go "one step closer" in making the changes I want to make for my health, to be more confident in my skin and to shed the fears that have masked who I am underneath the weight I carry. The food I eat when I am not hungry, the stress I feed with food that doesn't satisfy, the excuses I have for never trying certain things because of how I might look, i.e., rock wall climbing, wearing a bathing suit, feeling the uncomfortableness of my body as I stretch and move in new ways.

God's and Christ's is example is for me to love them and for me to love myself.


Today I am one step closer to those goals. As I take on this 100 day challenge, I look forward to more insights, peeling away more layers and transforming myself in ways I can only imagine today. 

 

Awareness 2014 - 100 Days of Change

I know myself.

I know myself really, really well. 

And if there was any other way to do this, I would do it, but for me, there wasn't another way. 

So I chose the path that made the most sense to me and would yield the best results because my pride would not let me give up. You see, when left to my own resources, I can be lazy. Not garden variety lazy, but grab a carton of sea salt caramel chunk ice cream and plant my carcass in front of mindless television, kind of lazy.

And thank goodness, it doesn't happen often. 

I want to love exercising. I really do. I want to be one of those people who just "can't live without it". And 

I am so much more the gal that will over do, have aches and pains for several days because my muscles are sore and then give myself an excuse to give up.  And I have done it sooo many times... as I said, I know myself well.

So... back to what I did to help me overcome the natural woman, so to speak.

Our company participates in something called the  Global Corporate Challenge, or GCC for short.

Over 300, 000 employees from hundreds of companies worldwide participate in a 100 day fitness challenge. The goal ?   10,000 steps per day/ per person. Each person belongs to a team of 7 and the teams compete

against all the other world wide teams and against other teams within the company. 

When I heard this was going on, my first thought was, " 100 days ? How in the world am I going to walk 10K steps for 100 days ? I can't even get to the gym 5 days in a row."

My solution ? I will be the Captain of a team - and I will motivate myself and my team to strive to do our best. I know I can do it - I have it within me. But honestly, I have not bothered to push myself in a while to really get going on my personal health goals and my pride is now involved. I can't be a leader and then be hypocrite. I need to walk the talk... literally. 10k steps a day for 100 days. GULP!

We started on Wednesday, May 28th, so today is Day 4. So far, I am at 100% for my targeted steps. 

I'm leading my team in the number of steps and watching the scale show the results of all the work I have been doing over the last week or so (since I started working out about a week before the challenge started.)

I had a lovely walk with one of my teammates on our launch day, and she is really committed to using this

as a platform for better health and to making some changes she has wanted to make, but really has not pushed herself to do so. (Does that sound familiar ?)

And at 3:30 p.m.today, I have met my goal.  10, 533 so far today. I am beginning to plant the seeds of enjoying exercise. It could happen.

So my awareness today is that sometimes I choose the tough route so that I can overcome my natural tendencies. I am grateful to know myself - and know what works for me.  I am excited to participate as part of my company, to be a leader and to practice supporting and encouraging even when people do absolutely nothing. I will practice giving them to same love I give to myself  - an "atta girl" goes a long way! And I'll invite...and I may be alone. And I am okay with that. 

It feels good to see short term success - and I look forward to checking in on  day 23,  day 47,   day 59,  

day 71...and see the progress we are making as a team. 

Here's to team  Lost In Pace!  WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE  PUT OUR MINDS TO !