I knew last night that today was going to be the day - the day I would finally let go of the pain and sadness of the past 3 years. And to be honest, today exceeded my expectations in every way possible!
I dreamed last night that I was near water and that I was doing work around my issues with this guy and when I woke up this morning, I was fully awake upon waking. I got up promptly, took a shower and then thought about what this was going to look like for me.
He sent me a text this morning saying he was going to be arriving home soon and I could come over after. It gave me time to prepare.
I wanted to go up to Lake Hollywood and take care of things there. It is an old stomping ground of ours and I felt a great place for things to end where they had started. However, God had other things in mind, and the reservoir was closed due to recent mudslides. Dang it! Plan B ?
We decided to go have crepes for breakfast before we headed out to the water to find a fire pit.
Solar de Cahuenga is a wonderful place to eat - seating with fresh air running from front to back. The air was so clean and fresh and warm - it was hard to believe it is February. We ate the same thing - and omitted the onions. Yeah...in 9 years that has not changed. After a good chat and a great meal, we continued our trek. We decided to head out on the 101 towards Topanga Canyon and take the canyon to the water. Lush green forests, clean fresh air, not a cloud in the sky - oh how I love California! We toured Malibu and headed north on PCH. The waves were amazing and the surfers were completely spellbound by the ocean. It was like watching an orchestra as each individual surfer looks for the perfect wave and then has an opportunity to ride that wave to the fullest. The roads were filled - and it was clear this was just another day in paradise!
We were searching for a fire pit - and we drove and drove and drove. Finally, after stopping for a bathroom break, we looked at our Thomas guide and realized 5 miles north of us was a camping ground. We would head there.
Leo Carrillo State Beach has campgrounds on the north side of the road. We drove in and rather than pay for our stay, we found a table and a fire pit to use for a short time. I will say though, it took a lot longer of a time than I had originally thought.
" First, this is all my work. And it stems from having an on again off again relationship with you for so many years. And there are parts of my life that are not clear and I feel as if I am carrying a very heavy burden. I want to leave those things here and find new and better things to keep with me."
I read him a passage from a book called " Lighten Up!" by Cheiko Okazaki which speaks of judgments....and it brought tears to my eyes. I have had many ugly, unpleasant judgements of this man and his life and wanted to let go of them once and for all and not have them interfere with my friendship with him. And so I spent the next 3o minutes or so writing each and every feeling down that was negative about him. There were so many, I was ashamed. And each one represented ways I was unable to see who he really is because my vision is skewed by these judgments. What I wanted was to be able to burn each of these, talk about where they came from, and what I am going to replace them with. It was a deeply moving experience. Because
of the highly personal nature of the comments and my feelings, I will simply say that the healing that occurred on that day was some of the most healing I have had at any time in my life.
I left behind all of my sadness and regained a true friend. It was a miracle right before my eyes!
As I completed my work, I hugged him and a wonderful sense of relief ran over me. I also realized that there were many things which I brought up which were also issues for him. His work was also being done at the same time. I believe there was healing for us both.
I gave him a card as a momento of this day - and a chapter in a book called " No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew.
I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing this day to happen, for showing me how it needed to unfold and for showing me that forgiveness starts with oneself and blossoms to others from there. I feel as if 20 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I AM FREE !!!
I am FREE TO :
- love again with all my heart - especially myself
- find joy without judgements
- allow him to lead the life he is supposed to lead believing he is on the right path for him
- move forward with my life and work on becoming the woman I am meant to be!
- close this door. Keeping those gifts that have come my way, and letting go of sadness, sorrow, pain and guilt that I have held onto for so long.
- support without caretaking
- to live my perfect life!!!
Thank you to my friend. I have found the closure I seek. I am now complete!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Am I My Brother's Keeper?
As I sat and listened intently to the story of Cain and Abel yesterday, the quote that is often misquoted for its context was read, " Am I my brother's keeper?" My fast had been to clarify
what friendship means, what boundaries are necessary, when walking away is appropriate and understanding why certain people are in my life. Am I there for them or are they there for me?
Does my friendship make a difference - or are they the ones making a difference in my life? My mind is tired and my heart heavy as I contemplate the relationships I had been part of recently.
How do I reconcile the greater vision of my faith with the day to day trials that come as a part of that friendship? At what point is it enough? At what point do I walk away? And what of forgiveness...My body is filled with tension today as I think about it all.
There is more to write and for now, this is all I have time for.
Part 2 - February 10, 2010
I have had several days to think on the matter and grateful for insights that have come my way.
As for being my brother's keeper - yes, indeed I am. I am a voice of warning and even with that warning, I am not responsible for my brother's choices. And while it saddens me at times to watch those I care for make decisions that seem both unwise and lacking long term visions, I recognize I am only a voice - one voice in a sea of voices that pull, tug, and drag us in different directions - some towards our eternal goals and many others far away.
As a follow up to my previous post about this person with whom I have had many negative interactions, it has now been 5 days, and I have had 1 text from him...and nothing more. My judgment is that he is moving on with his life and dealing with his challenges in his own way. I have prayed for peace and in some sense, the peace has come in very tangible ways. I am no longer being constantly berated, belittled, yelled at or cursed at. And when I look at those male friends in my life who treat me differently, the contrast is like night and day. I have a lot of sadness of how this has ended - and I have cried many lonely tears about it all - and I have heard he is dealing with his own sadness in his life and not adding me to the mix is probably very wise.
In speaking with a friend at dinner the other day, he said " You have to walk away and not look back. Everything about this man says he does not like you, respect you, care for you and is unwilling to see the wonderful woman you are. What will it take for you to finally let go?"
What it is taking is not responding....not calling, no texting, no emails...no contact. And it is probably better for us both. I know I don't say the things he wants to hear - I am highly judgmental and cannot hear his thoughts and ideas because IMJ they are not based in reality.
They are based only on his wants, his desires, his dreams...and none of them are coming true.
In some way, I feel bad for him because I do want him to have love in his life, to be stable, to find happiness - and I am not in charge of any of that. I have had my time to help him - now he must take care of things on his own. Oh how I wish his life was different - and yet I pray that the natural consequences of his choices will eventually be so evident that the choice he makes will be obvious and clear.
I don't think I have ever worried about someone for so long and so much in my life. I know I am hurting - and what have I lost? What have I gained after all this? Right now, there is so much negativity about it all, I may not be able to truly see the blessings this man has brought into my life. There must be opposition in all things - for all the challenges, there must also be joy in some manner, even though it may be harder to see and recognize.
And what I understand is that he is angry with me -and he is unwilling to make things clear with me. I cannot change that and am unwilling to walk back into the fire. I have had more than enough " truth" to last a lifetime right now. All the "truth" you shared with me has hurt me to my core. While I am grateful for the information, it saddens me that I let you carry on for so long and believe at some point I would be recognized in the way I wanted. Well wake up girlfriend, it ain't never going to happen like that - ever!
So I am again in a place of deep thought, some sadness, some pain and wonder as I figure out what the next step is in my life on this path I call life.
I miss my friend when he was my friend - but I don't miss the nightmare this has become.
I do not know if this chapter is closed - I know the door is on my side and my guess is that he will never open it again. It may truly be over - and an answer to prayer on both sides.
what friendship means, what boundaries are necessary, when walking away is appropriate and understanding why certain people are in my life. Am I there for them or are they there for me?
Does my friendship make a difference - or are they the ones making a difference in my life? My mind is tired and my heart heavy as I contemplate the relationships I had been part of recently.
How do I reconcile the greater vision of my faith with the day to day trials that come as a part of that friendship? At what point is it enough? At what point do I walk away? And what of forgiveness...My body is filled with tension today as I think about it all.
There is more to write and for now, this is all I have time for.
Part 2 - February 10, 2010
I have had several days to think on the matter and grateful for insights that have come my way.
As for being my brother's keeper - yes, indeed I am. I am a voice of warning and even with that warning, I am not responsible for my brother's choices. And while it saddens me at times to watch those I care for make decisions that seem both unwise and lacking long term visions, I recognize I am only a voice - one voice in a sea of voices that pull, tug, and drag us in different directions - some towards our eternal goals and many others far away.
As a follow up to my previous post about this person with whom I have had many negative interactions, it has now been 5 days, and I have had 1 text from him...and nothing more. My judgment is that he is moving on with his life and dealing with his challenges in his own way. I have prayed for peace and in some sense, the peace has come in very tangible ways. I am no longer being constantly berated, belittled, yelled at or cursed at. And when I look at those male friends in my life who treat me differently, the contrast is like night and day. I have a lot of sadness of how this has ended - and I have cried many lonely tears about it all - and I have heard he is dealing with his own sadness in his life and not adding me to the mix is probably very wise.
In speaking with a friend at dinner the other day, he said " You have to walk away and not look back. Everything about this man says he does not like you, respect you, care for you and is unwilling to see the wonderful woman you are. What will it take for you to finally let go?"
What it is taking is not responding....not calling, no texting, no emails...no contact. And it is probably better for us both. I know I don't say the things he wants to hear - I am highly judgmental and cannot hear his thoughts and ideas because IMJ they are not based in reality.
They are based only on his wants, his desires, his dreams...and none of them are coming true.
In some way, I feel bad for him because I do want him to have love in his life, to be stable, to find happiness - and I am not in charge of any of that. I have had my time to help him - now he must take care of things on his own. Oh how I wish his life was different - and yet I pray that the natural consequences of his choices will eventually be so evident that the choice he makes will be obvious and clear.
I don't think I have ever worried about someone for so long and so much in my life. I know I am hurting - and what have I lost? What have I gained after all this? Right now, there is so much negativity about it all, I may not be able to truly see the blessings this man has brought into my life. There must be opposition in all things - for all the challenges, there must also be joy in some manner, even though it may be harder to see and recognize.
And what I understand is that he is angry with me -and he is unwilling to make things clear with me. I cannot change that and am unwilling to walk back into the fire. I have had more than enough " truth" to last a lifetime right now. All the "truth" you shared with me has hurt me to my core. While I am grateful for the information, it saddens me that I let you carry on for so long and believe at some point I would be recognized in the way I wanted. Well wake up girlfriend, it ain't never going to happen like that - ever!
So I am again in a place of deep thought, some sadness, some pain and wonder as I figure out what the next step is in my life on this path I call life.
I miss my friend when he was my friend - but I don't miss the nightmare this has become.
I do not know if this chapter is closed - I know the door is on my side and my guess is that he will never open it again. It may truly be over - and an answer to prayer on both sides.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
If I'm Not The One Thing You Can't Stand To Lose
"If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose,
If I'm not the arrow to the heart of you...
Consider me a memory.Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If you think you can do better than this,then I guess we're done, let's not drag it on...
Consider me gone."
- Reba McIntyre from the album "Keep On Loving You"
On December 5th 2001, I met a man who changed my life - literally. And somewhere in the story, I confused loving someone in a healthy way with loving someone in an unhealthy way.
We started out as friends, innocent enough. In fact, I did not even think he liked me at all when I met him. It was strange - and I am not sure how we ever got to where we are. There were lots of signs along the way that should have told me to stop investing time in nurturing a relationship that will never grow. And still, I planted a flag that has been literally impossible to uproot. I planted hope, desire, dreams and a mountain of expectations which could never be filled in the way I want them to be.
I come from a family of rescuers. I have seen it again and again - and so almost without thinking I have let this man treat me in ways that have been at times so abusive that if I watched my life as a movie, I am sure I would have sat silently in tears to watch the pain of it all.
While he certainly is responsible for his side of things, I am responsible for letting it get this way.
I am reminded that men can only treat me poorly if I let them ... and I let him. I listened as he yelled, as he made his failures mine, as he criticized my language, my explanations, my choices, and labeled me someone who "drives him nuts" and " would never want a relationship with"...except with or without a label, we had a relationship. A co-dependent abusive relationship. Mind you, he has never hurt me with his hands, and I don't believe he ever would. The wounds he inflicts are of the verbal kind and hurt far worse than a punch. The human mind tortures its victims and replays words as if they were on a Memorex tape - and somewhere I believed things he said. And they have hurt me in a deep place in my heart.
I should have walked away years ago. I should have set boundaries. I should have hung up when he was out of control and not called back. I should have let him land on his butt so the natural consequences of life would hit him like a ton of bricks. I have protected him for several years from the downfall of his life ...and I would love to say I am alone in that project - but I am not. His parents, the Church he attends, even his current girlfriend contribute to the problem. And the abusiveness continues...until 3 days ago.
I am part of a women's group that is entirely focused on women healing their lives. I have not attended a circle in more than a year, and excitedly attended one on Thursday. Once the evening was done, I decided to call this man to tell him about my evening. What a wet blanket!
Countless times I have been there for him and he could not even be happy for me ( and that is the problem right there by the way - that I expect him to be happy for me and really the only person that needs to be happy for me is ME!). Anyhow, in the course of the conversation, he became demeaning in his language and began to make fun of what I was saying. I told him to stop, which he was unwilling to do. So I made a choice that I felt was necessary " If you are unwillng to stop, then you will need to talk to yourself because I am hanging up. Good night".
I was so proud of myself! And the best part of it all is I was not angry. I was simply clear about my wants and what is acceptable to me. I stood by it! I was fearful from that moment that he was going to be mad at me - and was okay to let that be true. I chose to take care of myself in a healthy way. It felt good!
Friday evening he called again - and by the end of the 3 hour conversation again I had been hurt in the course of us talking. So I posed him and myself the question " What are you getting out of this? If you don't care about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, then why am I in your life? Maybe what is happening is that you are not getting what you need in your current relationship and I provide the missing parts...and if that is true then you need to seriously think about that.
I am not willing to be the "missing link" in your life. And if you don't find any benefit, let me loose. Let me go and let me find happiness in my life . I invite you to take some time and think about what I am to you, why you continue to talk to me and what this is really all about - and I will do the same. "
And when I got off the phone, I realized that I may be the one who let's me loose and not him.
So as part of my fast this weekend, I am fasting for clarity and peace with regards to this situation. I want to give some time to understand why I have been there, what I have gotten out of this situation and what I want moving forward in my life. Through prayer and sincere desire, I will find peace about it all and allow God to work his miracle in both our lives. I know He can heal hurt, pain, suffering and sadness. I ask for His help to mend the wounds that we both inflict on each other.
Another chapter of Project Me....Can't wait to see what happens next!
If I'm not the arrow to the heart of you...
Consider me a memory.Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If you think you can do better than this,then I guess we're done, let's not drag it on...
Consider me gone."
- Reba McIntyre from the album "Keep On Loving You"
On December 5th 2001, I met a man who changed my life - literally. And somewhere in the story, I confused loving someone in a healthy way with loving someone in an unhealthy way.
We started out as friends, innocent enough. In fact, I did not even think he liked me at all when I met him. It was strange - and I am not sure how we ever got to where we are. There were lots of signs along the way that should have told me to stop investing time in nurturing a relationship that will never grow. And still, I planted a flag that has been literally impossible to uproot. I planted hope, desire, dreams and a mountain of expectations which could never be filled in the way I want them to be.
I come from a family of rescuers. I have seen it again and again - and so almost without thinking I have let this man treat me in ways that have been at times so abusive that if I watched my life as a movie, I am sure I would have sat silently in tears to watch the pain of it all.
While he certainly is responsible for his side of things, I am responsible for letting it get this way.
I am reminded that men can only treat me poorly if I let them ... and I let him. I listened as he yelled, as he made his failures mine, as he criticized my language, my explanations, my choices, and labeled me someone who "drives him nuts" and " would never want a relationship with"...except with or without a label, we had a relationship. A co-dependent abusive relationship. Mind you, he has never hurt me with his hands, and I don't believe he ever would. The wounds he inflicts are of the verbal kind and hurt far worse than a punch. The human mind tortures its victims and replays words as if they were on a Memorex tape - and somewhere I believed things he said. And they have hurt me in a deep place in my heart.
I should have walked away years ago. I should have set boundaries. I should have hung up when he was out of control and not called back. I should have let him land on his butt so the natural consequences of life would hit him like a ton of bricks. I have protected him for several years from the downfall of his life ...and I would love to say I am alone in that project - but I am not. His parents, the Church he attends, even his current girlfriend contribute to the problem. And the abusiveness continues...until 3 days ago.
I am part of a women's group that is entirely focused on women healing their lives. I have not attended a circle in more than a year, and excitedly attended one on Thursday. Once the evening was done, I decided to call this man to tell him about my evening. What a wet blanket!
Countless times I have been there for him and he could not even be happy for me ( and that is the problem right there by the way - that I expect him to be happy for me and really the only person that needs to be happy for me is ME!). Anyhow, in the course of the conversation, he became demeaning in his language and began to make fun of what I was saying. I told him to stop, which he was unwilling to do. So I made a choice that I felt was necessary " If you are unwillng to stop, then you will need to talk to yourself because I am hanging up. Good night".
I was so proud of myself! And the best part of it all is I was not angry. I was simply clear about my wants and what is acceptable to me. I stood by it! I was fearful from that moment that he was going to be mad at me - and was okay to let that be true. I chose to take care of myself in a healthy way. It felt good!
Friday evening he called again - and by the end of the 3 hour conversation again I had been hurt in the course of us talking. So I posed him and myself the question " What are you getting out of this? If you don't care about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, then why am I in your life? Maybe what is happening is that you are not getting what you need in your current relationship and I provide the missing parts...and if that is true then you need to seriously think about that.
I am not willing to be the "missing link" in your life. And if you don't find any benefit, let me loose. Let me go and let me find happiness in my life . I invite you to take some time and think about what I am to you, why you continue to talk to me and what this is really all about - and I will do the same. "
And when I got off the phone, I realized that I may be the one who let's me loose and not him.
So as part of my fast this weekend, I am fasting for clarity and peace with regards to this situation. I want to give some time to understand why I have been there, what I have gotten out of this situation and what I want moving forward in my life. Through prayer and sincere desire, I will find peace about it all and allow God to work his miracle in both our lives. I know He can heal hurt, pain, suffering and sadness. I ask for His help to mend the wounds that we both inflict on each other.
Another chapter of Project Me....Can't wait to see what happens next!
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Patience Required to Get Answers
My Patriarchal blessing says the following" Patience is a virtue, one you should nurture." My general belief is that God has a tremendous sense of humor and he simply added this line to make me laugh and recognize that this would be one of the great challenges in my life - and truly thus far, I believe it has been.
There are those occasions, as was the case this week, when I simply know that the answer is within and patience will provide the solution. Here is a sample of how this worked in my life this week.
My mother, who is in mediocre health, is now living with me. I am not certain if this is a temporary or permanent situation - and I am certain it is not changing anytime soon. Due to her health constraints and basic space/privacy constraints of living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 people, she has felt the desire for us to move. And when I am willing to stand in her shoes, I can see from where she is coming.
One evening 2 weeks ago, we had visitors to our home and one of them made mention that he and his wife had a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment available. Mom was instantly interested and I was mildly curious. In the next 24 hours, we visited this apartment. High ceilings, pergo flooring, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, all new fixtures - it was like a shining star on the 3rd floor - over a totally non-desirable neighborhood. And even with all the bells and whistles, I could not shake the feeling that this was not the right place for me - and ultimately for us. What is more remarkable is that I had that feeling right from the beginning.
Mom decided ( and I acquiesced) that we should put down and deposit, fill out the necessary paperwork and see if we can get approved. The approval was necessary because this was " low income housing" for which I was certain I did not qualify. However, because I knew it was my mother's desire I decided to move forward - even though I did not feel right about it.
Basically, I did not want to move yet. I have been so overcome with just dealing with Mom's current health issues, the loss of my privacy and basically becoming a caregiver to my mother that pairing a move on top of all of that was in no way on my mind. I am aware we need to move - and for me it is not urgent. It is important, however, not urgent. Couple that with the thought that Mom could be dead in 6 months, or her less-than-responsible husband could jump back in the picture within a year - moving just was not on my mind. Staying grounded and in a familiar space was on my mind - and keeping what is left of my sanity.
During the processing of the paperwork, I prayed for comfort. I felt like my life has been hijacked - and yet I have distinct memories as a child of telling my Mom that if she was ever sick, I would take care of her. How do I reconcile those thoughts and feelings with the reality of my life? My heart was full of sadness, frustration and a strong sense of feeling pushed - and the nagging pain in my gut still telling me this is not the right fit right now.
As the days of receiving the approval were approaching, the tension in the house was tangible.
I am praying for guidance for the right answer and that if I am really supposed to go to this place that peace will fill my heart - and the peace still did not come.
Finally on Monday, the answer came that we were not approved. As I listened to Mom explain the information, my eyes filled with tears. I knew this was the right answer - and clearly she was very disappointed. When I revealed my true feelings on the matter, as I had previously, I felt that I was shamed for feeling happiness for the answer. I believe Mom's comment was something like " I guess we are praying to two different Gods." And that thought stuck with me - like a rod in my heart. That night we were supposed to see Avatar together - and she decided she was now in a funk and could not attend. My judgment is that it was her way of punishing me for not being on board with this entire process - and I went to see Avatar alone. It was terrific and I am grateful I went anyhow.
Uncomfortable and tired, I went home from the movies and felt like I needed to be armed for
the attack. I wasn't disappointed. I felt attacked and I was too tired to care anymore about it.
I won the battle but lost the war...and the whole thing sucked.
Tuesday proved to be another opportunity to look at it all again. The landlord called again and said this time we were approved and that we had 24 hours to reply or to lose our deposit. Of course, Mom decided to tell me at work during lunch - what an appetite suppressant! As hot tears streamed down my face during my lunch, I realized I sincerely needed and wanted a confirmation that I was doing the right thing by stopping all of this. As I sat in my car just before I was leaving to go home, I realized that I wanted to talk this out with someone. I sent my friend a text message, got no immediate response and then decided to call Alex. In my judgment, he understands rental properties, low income housing and most of all, he gets me like no one else does.
After 2 hours of talking, sharing, listening and generally hashing the whole thing out - one important fact became truly clear - I needed to make sure I could do that financially, and without that due diligence, I was potentially walking into a train wreck. I had felt so out of sorts for nearly 2 weeks that the peace I felt was like water washing over me. I went home calm, serene and happy - and inside my house, the hurricane was beginning to brew. Mother and I had an uncomfortable exchange and my final statement was " It is my money and I am going to make sure I can do this 100% before I will commit. Period." That night I slept better than I had slept in weeks - and overslept in the next morning.
Wednesday it was the boss's birthday. Can't believe he is only 48 years old! It was a busy morning, trying to get him out the door and on his way. With paperwork in hand, he left to spend the afternoon doing whatever he wanted and getting ready for his trip to Miami. It was not until after 1:00 that I was able to sit and sift number in a meaningful way. Then the "aha" moment happened - I could not afford to do this move. Here it was in black and white - and while was
struggling with making this all work, the truth was in front of me. Not the right time, not the right place - not the right move. And now to find some way of telling my mother the disappointing news.
I purposely delayed going home that night until 7:30 and stood outside near my car saying a silent prayer. " Please let her heart be softened, and let mine be softened and let me say what I need to say in a way that will not devastate her." And the most amazing conversation unfolded over the next 2 hours. Mom realized this was extremely hard on me, that I was doing the best I can and that I simply cannot do more. I explained in numbers and details where the challenges were and what could be done or not done. It was a very healing conversation. At the end of it all, she asked if I wanted her to call the landlord and tell her the bad news. I said yes.
The blessing of this entire adventure came yesterday. I called my current landlord who had offered a discounted rent to us because he knew we were looking. At the end of the conversation, my rent was reduced to the amount I was paying before Mom came - and I was instantly grateful. God has been mindful of my worries and my sadness about the situation - and this was one small reminder that He cares.
We will find the right place - and I will make sure my mother's needs are considered. All in due time. I guess that is where patience comes into play - no wonder I need a constant reminder that this is a virtue that I should nurture.
There are those occasions, as was the case this week, when I simply know that the answer is within and patience will provide the solution. Here is a sample of how this worked in my life this week.
My mother, who is in mediocre health, is now living with me. I am not certain if this is a temporary or permanent situation - and I am certain it is not changing anytime soon. Due to her health constraints and basic space/privacy constraints of living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 people, she has felt the desire for us to move. And when I am willing to stand in her shoes, I can see from where she is coming.
One evening 2 weeks ago, we had visitors to our home and one of them made mention that he and his wife had a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment available. Mom was instantly interested and I was mildly curious. In the next 24 hours, we visited this apartment. High ceilings, pergo flooring, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, all new fixtures - it was like a shining star on the 3rd floor - over a totally non-desirable neighborhood. And even with all the bells and whistles, I could not shake the feeling that this was not the right place for me - and ultimately for us. What is more remarkable is that I had that feeling right from the beginning.
Mom decided ( and I acquiesced) that we should put down and deposit, fill out the necessary paperwork and see if we can get approved. The approval was necessary because this was " low income housing" for which I was certain I did not qualify. However, because I knew it was my mother's desire I decided to move forward - even though I did not feel right about it.
Basically, I did not want to move yet. I have been so overcome with just dealing with Mom's current health issues, the loss of my privacy and basically becoming a caregiver to my mother that pairing a move on top of all of that was in no way on my mind. I am aware we need to move - and for me it is not urgent. It is important, however, not urgent. Couple that with the thought that Mom could be dead in 6 months, or her less-than-responsible husband could jump back in the picture within a year - moving just was not on my mind. Staying grounded and in a familiar space was on my mind - and keeping what is left of my sanity.
During the processing of the paperwork, I prayed for comfort. I felt like my life has been hijacked - and yet I have distinct memories as a child of telling my Mom that if she was ever sick, I would take care of her. How do I reconcile those thoughts and feelings with the reality of my life? My heart was full of sadness, frustration and a strong sense of feeling pushed - and the nagging pain in my gut still telling me this is not the right fit right now.
As the days of receiving the approval were approaching, the tension in the house was tangible.
I am praying for guidance for the right answer and that if I am really supposed to go to this place that peace will fill my heart - and the peace still did not come.
Finally on Monday, the answer came that we were not approved. As I listened to Mom explain the information, my eyes filled with tears. I knew this was the right answer - and clearly she was very disappointed. When I revealed my true feelings on the matter, as I had previously, I felt that I was shamed for feeling happiness for the answer. I believe Mom's comment was something like " I guess we are praying to two different Gods." And that thought stuck with me - like a rod in my heart. That night we were supposed to see Avatar together - and she decided she was now in a funk and could not attend. My judgment is that it was her way of punishing me for not being on board with this entire process - and I went to see Avatar alone. It was terrific and I am grateful I went anyhow.
Uncomfortable and tired, I went home from the movies and felt like I needed to be armed for
the attack. I wasn't disappointed. I felt attacked and I was too tired to care anymore about it.
I won the battle but lost the war...and the whole thing sucked.
Tuesday proved to be another opportunity to look at it all again. The landlord called again and said this time we were approved and that we had 24 hours to reply or to lose our deposit. Of course, Mom decided to tell me at work during lunch - what an appetite suppressant! As hot tears streamed down my face during my lunch, I realized I sincerely needed and wanted a confirmation that I was doing the right thing by stopping all of this. As I sat in my car just before I was leaving to go home, I realized that I wanted to talk this out with someone. I sent my friend a text message, got no immediate response and then decided to call Alex. In my judgment, he understands rental properties, low income housing and most of all, he gets me like no one else does.
After 2 hours of talking, sharing, listening and generally hashing the whole thing out - one important fact became truly clear - I needed to make sure I could do that financially, and without that due diligence, I was potentially walking into a train wreck. I had felt so out of sorts for nearly 2 weeks that the peace I felt was like water washing over me. I went home calm, serene and happy - and inside my house, the hurricane was beginning to brew. Mother and I had an uncomfortable exchange and my final statement was " It is my money and I am going to make sure I can do this 100% before I will commit. Period." That night I slept better than I had slept in weeks - and overslept in the next morning.
Wednesday it was the boss's birthday. Can't believe he is only 48 years old! It was a busy morning, trying to get him out the door and on his way. With paperwork in hand, he left to spend the afternoon doing whatever he wanted and getting ready for his trip to Miami. It was not until after 1:00 that I was able to sit and sift number in a meaningful way. Then the "aha" moment happened - I could not afford to do this move. Here it was in black and white - and while was
struggling with making this all work, the truth was in front of me. Not the right time, not the right place - not the right move. And now to find some way of telling my mother the disappointing news.
I purposely delayed going home that night until 7:30 and stood outside near my car saying a silent prayer. " Please let her heart be softened, and let mine be softened and let me say what I need to say in a way that will not devastate her." And the most amazing conversation unfolded over the next 2 hours. Mom realized this was extremely hard on me, that I was doing the best I can and that I simply cannot do more. I explained in numbers and details where the challenges were and what could be done or not done. It was a very healing conversation. At the end of it all, she asked if I wanted her to call the landlord and tell her the bad news. I said yes.
The blessing of this entire adventure came yesterday. I called my current landlord who had offered a discounted rent to us because he knew we were looking. At the end of the conversation, my rent was reduced to the amount I was paying before Mom came - and I was instantly grateful. God has been mindful of my worries and my sadness about the situation - and this was one small reminder that He cares.
We will find the right place - and I will make sure my mother's needs are considered. All in due time. I guess that is where patience comes into play - no wonder I need a constant reminder that this is a virtue that I should nurture.
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