Awareness 2014 - Insight Comes At The Strangest of Times

I'm at the gym... on the elliptical and it is day 3 of the GCC challenge.

When I work out, I listen to music. - often iHeart radio because there are so many different
channels I can listen to...variety keeps me motivated and interested. I'm pretty sure most of you have done or do the same thing.

Not expecting this day to be any different than any other, I continue to channel surf, until I fall upon the song, " A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. 

As I continue with my pace, the words catch my attention as the song starts:

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

Then all of a sudden as I listen to the words, " one step closer" begins to take on new meaning to me. And realize this song is revealing a truth about myself, a window I don't often look in.. more lyrics continue to stir my thoughts

[Chorus:]
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And I realize that this song for me is about the love that Christ as for me. He has loved me for a thousand years, and will love me for a thousand more ...and he is asking me to be brave. Stand in that place of fear and possible failure and replace it with the pure love that He is trying to show me...for myself. The song continues:

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I realize as I stand on this machine that there is a deeper truth for me. I have a hard time losing weight because I don't believe I am worthy of love. My weight is my mask. It keeps me from being fully confident, keeps me from trying new things, gives me excuses. I am afraid of words such a beautiful, attractive, sexy, hot , gorgeous - let alone others such as inspiring, a mentor, a leader. And here I stand on this machine and I realize I am being given a chance with every single step I take ..one step closer to being who I REALLY am. I see my reflection in my phone as I sing the lyrics and tears are in my eyes, because I cannot see my gold.

In this moment, I realize that the love of my Savior is pure and for me to be who I can be, I want to develop that kind of love for myself. FREAK! I was not expecting this experience here on the elliptical. The song continues:

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

And then the toughest realization of all - I am afraid of being loved. I know how to be the great friend, to give advice, to be a good listener, to help someone else and I am scared to death to be loved and to let someone love me. And again I realize this is another of the lessons, I learn from both the Savior and Heavenly Father. The very idea of not being afraid of their love. Of allowing them to love me, to care for me, to help me to bless me , to counsel me , to guide me. If I trust them and can put my trust in them, then why not trust a man ? The song ends like this:

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

"Time has brought your heart to me". That's it. This time in my life is about bringing my heart to Him, and for finding my heart within myself and recognizing that I am worthy of love. It is my time to go "one step closer" in making the changes I want to make for my health, to be more confident in my skin and to shed the fears that have masked who I am underneath the weight I carry. The food I eat when I am not hungry, the stress I feed with food that doesn't satisfy, the excuses I have for never trying certain things because of how I might look, i.e., rock wall climbing, wearing a bathing suit, feeling the uncomfortableness of my body as I stretch and move in new ways.

God's and Christ's is example is for me to love them and for me to love myself.


Today I am one step closer to those goals. As I take on this 100 day challenge, I look forward to more insights, peeling away more layers and transforming myself in ways I can only imagine today.