My Patriarchal blessing says the following" Patience is a virtue, one you should nurture." My general belief is that God has a tremendous sense of humor and he simply added this line to make me laugh and recognize that this would be one of the great challenges in my life - and truly thus far, I believe it has been.
There are those occasions, as was the case this week, when I simply know that the answer is within and patience will provide the solution. Here is a sample of how this worked in my life this week.
My mother, who is in mediocre health, is now living with me. I am not certain if this is a temporary or permanent situation - and I am certain it is not changing anytime soon. Due to her health constraints and basic space/privacy constraints of living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 people, she has felt the desire for us to move. And when I am willing to stand in her shoes, I can see from where she is coming.
One evening 2 weeks ago, we had visitors to our home and one of them made mention that he and his wife had a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment available. Mom was instantly interested and I was mildly curious. In the next 24 hours, we visited this apartment. High ceilings, pergo flooring, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, all new fixtures - it was like a shining star on the 3rd floor - over a totally non-desirable neighborhood. And even with all the bells and whistles, I could not shake the feeling that this was not the right place for me - and ultimately for us. What is more remarkable is that I had that feeling right from the beginning.
Mom decided ( and I acquiesced) that we should put down and deposit, fill out the necessary paperwork and see if we can get approved. The approval was necessary because this was " low income housing" for which I was certain I did not qualify. However, because I knew it was my mother's desire I decided to move forward - even though I did not feel right about it.
Basically, I did not want to move yet. I have been so overcome with just dealing with Mom's current health issues, the loss of my privacy and basically becoming a caregiver to my mother that pairing a move on top of all of that was in no way on my mind. I am aware we need to move - and for me it is not urgent. It is important, however, not urgent. Couple that with the thought that Mom could be dead in 6 months, or her less-than-responsible husband could jump back in the picture within a year - moving just was not on my mind. Staying grounded and in a familiar space was on my mind - and keeping what is left of my sanity.
During the processing of the paperwork, I prayed for comfort. I felt like my life has been hijacked - and yet I have distinct memories as a child of telling my Mom that if she was ever sick, I would take care of her. How do I reconcile those thoughts and feelings with the reality of my life? My heart was full of sadness, frustration and a strong sense of feeling pushed - and the nagging pain in my gut still telling me this is not the right fit right now.
As the days of receiving the approval were approaching, the tension in the house was tangible.
I am praying for guidance for the right answer and that if I am really supposed to go to this place that peace will fill my heart - and the peace still did not come.
Finally on Monday, the answer came that we were not approved. As I listened to Mom explain the information, my eyes filled with tears. I knew this was the right answer - and clearly she was very disappointed. When I revealed my true feelings on the matter, as I had previously, I felt that I was shamed for feeling happiness for the answer. I believe Mom's comment was something like " I guess we are praying to two different Gods." And that thought stuck with me - like a rod in my heart. That night we were supposed to see Avatar together - and she decided she was now in a funk and could not attend. My judgment is that it was her way of punishing me for not being on board with this entire process - and I went to see Avatar alone. It was terrific and I am grateful I went anyhow.
Uncomfortable and tired, I went home from the movies and felt like I needed to be armed for
the attack. I wasn't disappointed. I felt attacked and I was too tired to care anymore about it.
I won the battle but lost the war...and the whole thing sucked.
Tuesday proved to be another opportunity to look at it all again. The landlord called again and said this time we were approved and that we had 24 hours to reply or to lose our deposit. Of course, Mom decided to tell me at work during lunch - what an appetite suppressant! As hot tears streamed down my face during my lunch, I realized I sincerely needed and wanted a confirmation that I was doing the right thing by stopping all of this. As I sat in my car just before I was leaving to go home, I realized that I wanted to talk this out with someone. I sent my friend a text message, got no immediate response and then decided to call Alex. In my judgment, he understands rental properties, low income housing and most of all, he gets me like no one else does.
After 2 hours of talking, sharing, listening and generally hashing the whole thing out - one important fact became truly clear - I needed to make sure I could do that financially, and without that due diligence, I was potentially walking into a train wreck. I had felt so out of sorts for nearly 2 weeks that the peace I felt was like water washing over me. I went home calm, serene and happy - and inside my house, the hurricane was beginning to brew. Mother and I had an uncomfortable exchange and my final statement was " It is my money and I am going to make sure I can do this 100% before I will commit. Period." That night I slept better than I had slept in weeks - and overslept in the next morning.
Wednesday it was the boss's birthday. Can't believe he is only 48 years old! It was a busy morning, trying to get him out the door and on his way. With paperwork in hand, he left to spend the afternoon doing whatever he wanted and getting ready for his trip to Miami. It was not until after 1:00 that I was able to sit and sift number in a meaningful way. Then the "aha" moment happened - I could not afford to do this move. Here it was in black and white - and while was
struggling with making this all work, the truth was in front of me. Not the right time, not the right place - not the right move. And now to find some way of telling my mother the disappointing news.
I purposely delayed going home that night until 7:30 and stood outside near my car saying a silent prayer. " Please let her heart be softened, and let mine be softened and let me say what I need to say in a way that will not devastate her." And the most amazing conversation unfolded over the next 2 hours. Mom realized this was extremely hard on me, that I was doing the best I can and that I simply cannot do more. I explained in numbers and details where the challenges were and what could be done or not done. It was a very healing conversation. At the end of it all, she asked if I wanted her to call the landlord and tell her the bad news. I said yes.
The blessing of this entire adventure came yesterday. I called my current landlord who had offered a discounted rent to us because he knew we were looking. At the end of the conversation, my rent was reduced to the amount I was paying before Mom came - and I was instantly grateful. God has been mindful of my worries and my sadness about the situation - and this was one small reminder that He cares.
We will find the right place - and I will make sure my mother's needs are considered. All in due time. I guess that is where patience comes into play - no wonder I need a constant reminder that this is a virtue that I should nurture.
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