If I'm Not The One Thing You Can't Stand To Lose

"If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose,
If I'm not the arrow to the heart of you...
Consider me a memory.Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If you think you can do better than this,then I guess we're done, let's not drag it on...
Consider me gone."

- Reba McIntyre from the album "Keep On Loving You"

On December 5th 2001, I met a man who changed my life - literally. And somewhere in the story, I confused loving someone in a healthy way with loving someone in an unhealthy way.
We started out as friends, innocent enough. In fact, I did not even think he liked me at all when I met him. It was strange - and I am not sure how we ever got to where we are. There were lots of signs along the way that should have told me to stop investing time in nurturing a relationship that will never grow. And still, I planted a flag that has been literally impossible to uproot. I planted hope, desire, dreams and a mountain of expectations which could never be filled in the way I want them to be.

I come from a family of rescuers. I have seen it again and again - and so almost without thinking I have let this man treat me in ways that have been at times so abusive that if I watched my life as a movie, I am sure I would have sat silently in tears to watch the pain of it all.
While he certainly is responsible for his side of things, I am responsible for letting it get this way.
I am reminded that men can only treat me poorly if I let them ... and I let him. I listened as he yelled, as he made his failures mine, as he criticized my language, my explanations, my choices, and labeled me someone who "drives him nuts" and " would never want a relationship with"...except with or without a label, we had a relationship. A co-dependent abusive relationship. Mind you, he has never hurt me with his hands, and I don't believe he ever would. The wounds he inflicts are of the verbal kind and hurt far worse than a punch. The human mind tortures its victims and replays words as if they were on a Memorex tape - and somewhere I believed things he said. And they have hurt me in a deep place in my heart.

I should have walked away years ago. I should have set boundaries. I should have hung up when he was out of control and not called back. I should have let him land on his butt so the natural consequences of life would hit him like a ton of bricks. I have protected him for several years from the downfall of his life ...and I would love to say I am alone in that project - but I am not. His parents, the Church he attends, even his current girlfriend contribute to the problem. And the abusiveness continues...until 3 days ago.

I am part of a women's group that is entirely focused on women healing their lives. I have not attended a circle in more than a year, and excitedly attended one on Thursday. Once the evening was done, I decided to call this man to tell him about my evening. What a wet blanket!
Countless times I have been there for him and he could not even be happy for me ( and that is the problem right there by the way - that I expect him to be happy for me and really the only person that needs to be happy for me is ME!). Anyhow, in the course of the conversation, he became demeaning in his language and began to make fun of what I was saying. I told him to stop, which he was unwilling to do. So I made a choice that I felt was necessary " If you are unwillng to stop, then you will need to talk to yourself because I am hanging up. Good night".

I was so proud of myself! And the best part of it all is I was not angry. I was simply clear about my wants and what is acceptable to me. I stood by it! I was fearful from that moment that he was going to be mad at me - and was okay to let that be true. I chose to take care of myself in a healthy way. It felt good!

Friday evening he called again - and by the end of the 3 hour conversation again I had been hurt in the course of us talking. So I posed him and myself the question " What are you getting out of this? If you don't care about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, then why am I in your life? Maybe what is happening is that you are not getting what you need in your current relationship and I provide the missing parts...and if that is true then you need to seriously think about that.
I am not willing to be the "missing link" in your life. And if you don't find any benefit, let me loose. Let me go and let me find happiness in my life . I invite you to take some time and think about what I am to you, why you continue to talk to me and what this is really all about - and I will do the same. "

And when I got off the phone, I realized that I may be the one who let's me loose and not him.

So as part of my fast this weekend, I am fasting for clarity and peace with regards to this situation. I want to give some time to understand why I have been there, what I have gotten out of this situation and what I want moving forward in my life. Through prayer and sincere desire, I will find peace about it all and allow God to work his miracle in both our lives. I know He can heal hurt, pain, suffering and sadness. I ask for His help to mend the wounds that we both inflict on each other.

Another chapter of Project Me....Can't wait to see what happens next!