Am I My Brother's Keeper?

As I sat and listened intently to the story of Cain and Abel yesterday, the quote that is often misquoted for its context was read, " Am I my brother's keeper?" My fast had been to clarify
what friendship means, what boundaries are necessary, when walking away is appropriate and understanding why certain people are in my life. Am I there for them or are they there for me?
Does my friendship make a difference - or are they the ones making a difference in my life? My mind is tired and my heart heavy as I contemplate the relationships I had been part of recently.

How do I reconcile the greater vision of my faith with the day to day trials that come as a part of that friendship? At what point is it enough? At what point do I walk away? And what of forgiveness...My body is filled with tension today as I think about it all.

There is more to write and for now, this is all I have time for.

Part 2 - February 10, 2010

I have had several days to think on the matter and grateful for insights that have come my way.

As for being my brother's keeper - yes, indeed I am. I am a voice of warning and even with that warning, I am not responsible for my brother's choices. And while it saddens me at times to watch those I care for make decisions that seem both unwise and lacking long term visions, I recognize I am only a voice - one voice in a sea of voices that pull, tug, and drag us in different directions - some towards our eternal goals and many others far away.

As a follow up to my previous post about this person with whom I have had many negative interactions, it has now been 5 days, and I have had 1 text from him...and nothing more. My judgment is that he is moving on with his life and dealing with his challenges in his own way. I have prayed for peace and in some sense, the peace has come in very tangible ways. I am no longer being constantly berated, belittled, yelled at or cursed at. And when I look at those male friends in my life who treat me differently, the contrast is like night and day. I have a lot of sadness of how this has ended - and I have cried many lonely tears about it all - and I have heard he is dealing with his own sadness in his life and not adding me to the mix is probably very wise.

In speaking with a friend at dinner the other day, he said " You have to walk away and not look back. Everything about this man says he does not like you, respect you, care for you and is unwilling to see the wonderful woman you are. What will it take for you to finally let go?"
What it is taking is not responding....not calling, no texting, no emails...no contact. And it is probably better for us both. I know I don't say the things he wants to hear - I am highly judgmental and cannot hear his thoughts and ideas because IMJ they are not based in reality.
They are based only on his wants, his desires, his dreams...and none of them are coming true.
In some way, I feel bad for him because I do want him to have love in his life, to be stable, to find happiness - and I am not in charge of any of that. I have had my time to help him - now he must take care of things on his own. Oh how I wish his life was different - and yet I pray that the natural consequences of his choices will eventually be so evident that the choice he makes will be obvious and clear.

I don't think I have ever worried about someone for so long and so much in my life. I know I am hurting - and what have I lost? What have I gained after all this? Right now, there is so much negativity about it all, I may not be able to truly see the blessings this man has brought into my life. There must be opposition in all things - for all the challenges, there must also be joy in some manner, even though it may be harder to see and recognize.

And what I understand is that he is angry with me -and he is unwilling to make things clear with me. I cannot change that and am unwilling to walk back into the fire. I have had more than enough " truth" to last a lifetime right now. All the "truth" you shared with me has hurt me to my core. While I am grateful for the information, it saddens me that I let you carry on for so long and believe at some point I would be recognized in the way I wanted. Well wake up girlfriend, it ain't never going to happen like that - ever!

So I am again in a place of deep thought, some sadness, some pain and wonder as I figure out what the next step is in my life on this path I call life.

I miss my friend when he was my friend - but I don't miss the nightmare this has become.
I do not know if this chapter is closed - I know the door is on my side and my guess is that he will never open it again. It may truly be over - and an answer to prayer on both sides.