I knew last night that today was going to be the day - the day I would finally let go of the pain and sadness of the past 3 years. And to be honest, today exceeded my expectations in every way possible!
I dreamed last night that I was near water and that I was doing work around my issues with this guy and when I woke up this morning, I was fully awake upon waking. I got up promptly, took a shower and then thought about what this was going to look like for me.
He sent me a text this morning saying he was going to be arriving home soon and I could come over after. It gave me time to prepare.
I wanted to go up to Lake Hollywood and take care of things there. It is an old stomping ground of ours and I felt a great place for things to end where they had started. However, God had other things in mind, and the reservoir was closed due to recent mudslides. Dang it! Plan B ?
We decided to go have crepes for breakfast before we headed out to the water to find a fire pit.
Solar de Cahuenga is a wonderful place to eat - seating with fresh air running from front to back. The air was so clean and fresh and warm - it was hard to believe it is February. We ate the same thing - and omitted the onions. Yeah...in 9 years that has not changed. After a good chat and a great meal, we continued our trek. We decided to head out on the 101 towards Topanga Canyon and take the canyon to the water. Lush green forests, clean fresh air, not a cloud in the sky - oh how I love California! We toured Malibu and headed north on PCH. The waves were amazing and the surfers were completely spellbound by the ocean. It was like watching an orchestra as each individual surfer looks for the perfect wave and then has an opportunity to ride that wave to the fullest. The roads were filled - and it was clear this was just another day in paradise!
We were searching for a fire pit - and we drove and drove and drove. Finally, after stopping for a bathroom break, we looked at our Thomas guide and realized 5 miles north of us was a camping ground. We would head there.
Leo Carrillo State Beach has campgrounds on the north side of the road. We drove in and rather than pay for our stay, we found a table and a fire pit to use for a short time. I will say though, it took a lot longer of a time than I had originally thought.
" First, this is all my work. And it stems from having an on again off again relationship with you for so many years. And there are parts of my life that are not clear and I feel as if I am carrying a very heavy burden. I want to leave those things here and find new and better things to keep with me."
I read him a passage from a book called " Lighten Up!" by Cheiko Okazaki which speaks of judgments....and it brought tears to my eyes. I have had many ugly, unpleasant judgements of this man and his life and wanted to let go of them once and for all and not have them interfere with my friendship with him. And so I spent the next 3o minutes or so writing each and every feeling down that was negative about him. There were so many, I was ashamed. And each one represented ways I was unable to see who he really is because my vision is skewed by these judgments. What I wanted was to be able to burn each of these, talk about where they came from, and what I am going to replace them with. It was a deeply moving experience. Because
of the highly personal nature of the comments and my feelings, I will simply say that the healing that occurred on that day was some of the most healing I have had at any time in my life.
I left behind all of my sadness and regained a true friend. It was a miracle right before my eyes!
As I completed my work, I hugged him and a wonderful sense of relief ran over me. I also realized that there were many things which I brought up which were also issues for him. His work was also being done at the same time. I believe there was healing for us both.
I gave him a card as a momento of this day - and a chapter in a book called " No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew.
I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing this day to happen, for showing me how it needed to unfold and for showing me that forgiveness starts with oneself and blossoms to others from there. I feel as if 20 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I AM FREE !!!
I am FREE TO :
- love again with all my heart - especially myself
- find joy without judgements
- allow him to lead the life he is supposed to lead believing he is on the right path for him
- move forward with my life and work on becoming the woman I am meant to be!
- close this door. Keeping those gifts that have come my way, and letting go of sadness, sorrow, pain and guilt that I have held onto for so long.
- support without caretaking
- to live my perfect life!!!
Thank you to my friend. I have found the closure I seek. I am now complete!
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