Awareness 2014 - My Journey With The Book of Mormon

I spoke in Church last weekend and I promised I would put my talk on here so folks could read it.  I'll add my comments at the end . Here's the talk - although I did not stay exactly with this outline.

My Journey With The Book of Mormon

By Rachel Campbell

February 23, 2014

Good Morning Brothers and Sisters:

My name is Rachel Campbell and I am grateful for the opportunity to speak to you this morning. I pray that the Spirit will be with me as I share a few thoughts with you and will bear witness of those things that are true.

Many years ago, I was born in Maine. Yes, I am clearly a long way from where I started. I wasn’t brought up in an LDS family and didn’t have a clue about the Church at age 8, when most LDS children are baptized. I grew up knowing God, Jesus Christ and on the occasion we went to a Church, it was usually Mass with other family members.

My mother joined the Church when I was 10 years old, and my sister Kelly joined with her. And I wasn’t ready – at all.  I was still figuring things out for myself.  During that next year, I read passages in The Book of Mormon still not convinced that I needed to join the Church. And then one day, I knew I was ready and remember asking my Mom if “ those guys could come back and give me the lessons like they did with you.”   While I did not know much about it at the time, I felt the Spirit touched my heart when I was reading the Book of Mormon and I liked how that felt. I was baptized on June 26, 1977 at 11 years of age.  And thus began the influence of the Book of Mormon in my life.

I went through an unusual amount of teenage angst as we moved from Maine to Utah. It was a very difficult time in my life and I was mostly inactive when it came to Church…I will say that my Mother earned every single one of her gray hairs during my teens and that I am the successful person I am today because she never gave up on me.

My scriptures had been on the back burner for a while – but I didn’t forget them entirely. My Book of Mormon, the familiar dark blue cover, words printed on the side would always stand out, no matter where they were in my room. I believe that those tender feelings as a child have attached me to that book of scripture like none else.

I found myself making less than stellar choices at 19 years of age, but gratefully I was employed and taking care of myself the best I could. One night, in the quiet of my room, the outside light illuminated my bookshelf

and I could see the gold letters from across the room.  It had been a while since I had opened the Book of Mormon, and randomly opened a page:

Alma 37: 37

“ ^aCounsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for ^bgood; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the ^cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day. “

I wept. And I continued on my path for a little longer. That scripture would come back in my life in a way that I had not expected.

I’m still inactive, and somehow I find myself at the Oakland Temple. I am sitting on the grounds of the temple and have this distinct impression: “If you ever want to be in there, you will have to change what you are doing out here. “   I knew my heart was being touched and was reminded again of the scripture in Alma. “Counsel with the Lord in ALL thy doings”.

Was I doing that? Did I even know he cared? Did he care that I wasn’t in Church? Did I matter? 

I went home that night and prayed like I had never prayed in my life. If  God cared about my life and my journey and wanted me to make the changes that needed to be made, I was going to need help.  I laid out my “ wish list”

and went to bed, assured that nothing was going to change.

The very next day my “ wish list” had be fulfilled and I kept my part of the bargain, and left the life I was currently living and walked away from what was keeping me from being an active member of the Church.  I was and am a living proof that answers come from the Book of Mormon. My life is a miracle.

As I turned the corner in my life and made all the necessary changes, I felt prompted to want to serve a mission. After receiving confirmation that was the Lord’s will for me as well, I entered the MTC on March 16, 1988 in Provo, Utah.  I was going to the Switzerland Geneva Mission and I was going to speak in French.  Our MTC President gave us a challenge upon entering the MTC.  He asked us to read the entire Book of Mormon while at the MTC, and to pray about it. The wall behind his desk had all these pictures of Book on them that said “ I took the 30 day Book of Mormon challenge”.

I’ll be honest – until this time, I had NEVER read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. Let alone in 30 days.  Mind you, I knew it was true a long time before, but I had never had that experience of reading it cover to cover and following Moroni’s promise at the end:  

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

I knew that I wanted and needed to read the entire book. I wanted to get to the end so I could put that promise to the test myself.  I wanted that witness.

I diligently read every chance I could. I would read and then read some more. And it didn't all sink in. But I knew that I was going to have to work hard to attain that goal. I found stories that spoke to my soul. The first time I read the story of Abinidi, I cried. He was not leaving until he delivered his message.  And here I was, a 22 year old missionary heading to Europe to share my message. Would I have his strength ?

I read the book of Jared – and his endless questions of the Lord. I loved that the Lord put the solution back on him.  Oh my goodness, is that me!

And then I read the Savior’s visit to the Nephites.  And we’ll read that because it is one of the most profound moments in the Book of Mormon.
 

** Read 3 Nephi 11 1-15 **

I could only imagine what it would have been like to be in the presence of Jesus Christ, to watch him come.  The entire image brings tears of joy to my eyes.  And to hear the Father introduce him to the people, in such a beautiful way.

It is one of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon.

On the 30^th day of the challenge, I have the entire 10 chapters of  Moroni to read…and okay so he is going to pass away, and he wants to preserve the record and then he talks about charity,  am I ever going to finish this ?

And then, I get to Moroni 10: 3-5.

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

And once I finished that chapter, I went to my room to have a prayer, to ask my Heavenly Father if what I read was true.  And no sooner had those words come out of my mouth, there was a warmth and a feeling that came over me that was undeniably not my own. I KNEW it was TRUE!  And what I realized is that I had always known it was true. But this was MY experience. And I wanted others to have it and to know about the life changing things that had come because of this book.

During my mission, we followed a program called “ Flood the Earth with the Book of Mormon”.  We carried these heavy books everywhere. In our backpacks, on buses, trains, bikes, in cars. We shared the love for the Book of Mormon in a park, at a pizza place, walking down the street and in the quiet humble circumstance of many who would listen.  It was 18 months of testifying of this book. And my testimony strengthened.  And we saw many come unto Christ and were baptized as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The Book of Mormon has been the stabilizing force in my scripture reading. As I read it and cross reference it with the other scriptures, I am able to get a better sense of the messages found therein and it strengthens my testimony that His words are found in more than one book of scripture. " By the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established." 

As  a member of the La Crescenta Stake, we are asked to read the Book of Mormon during the year. We have had repeated counsel about reading it - and I hope many of you have taken up that challenge. 

I will add to that that specifically the Book of Mormon will strengthen you. I have felt its strength in my life as I read it, I have felt more emotional support during my challenges and trials, and I have a greater sense of love for those around me. I have found specific answers to my prayers from the Book of Mormon.  However you are able to read it, read it. Listen to it. Have someone else read it to you. Read the children’s version of it , if the adult version get confusing. Read it in your homes, with your children, with your spouse and pray for the strength to continue to read. Allow the witness of the Holy Ghost to act in your life and in your heart.

I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, called forth in the latter days to translate the Book of Mormon. I know it is the word of God and  by reading it and the other scriptures, we are better able to handle the challenges that life throws to us. I testify that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he visited the Nephites to fulfill prophesy. And I know that we too await the day of the Savior’s return. May we prepare by daily reading the Book of Mormon, is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen. 

** Now my message ends and I am going on to my other classes. I hope that it has been something of use to those that listened. One of the Sister Missionaries approaches me and shares with me a story about her investigator, who is 10 years old. She listened intently as I related my experiences, but of particular interest to her was the fact that I read from the Book of Mormon at only 10 and 11 years of age. She asked the Sisters if she could have her own copy to read - and that brought tears to my eyes. If my message was important to no one else, it was important for that little girl. Such a blessing to be an instrument in God's hand for a brief moment. 

Awareness 2014 - Life Lessons So Far

In every experience we have, there can be lessons for us to receive and there may also be gifts for us to give. In the past 7 weeks, a variety of life lessons have come at a time when I am able to learn them. I have space in my life to listen, to hear, to reflect and to understand their implications. That internalization is a deeply meaningful process for me and when the message has been received into my soul, that learning is long lasting, possibly permanent.  Here are a few of the ones that have been on my mind and in my heart.

Am I ready for whatever lies ahead ?

Countless numbers of times have I thought about this very phrase. This became more clear when I knew my job was going to end. I had been preparing for it since August, I knew it was coming. But much like the 
next big earthquake that is going to decimate Los Angeles, the earthquakes of our own lives come and even if we are prepared, there is still a shock and a process of letting go and moving on. I have to let go of my own sense of control of situations, people, places and things...in fact, I need to continually practice letting go of the outcome. I can be prepared in as many ways as possible and still, in that very moment whenever "it" happens, I may go through momentary unsettling as I regain my ground, my thoughts and accept the new direction.

Empathy Brings Deeper Understanding

One of the lessons I learned during my time in the E.R. and in surgery is that I have ZERO pain tolerance. None. Everything hurts. Drawing blood makes me woozy, and I have little patience for a nurse who cannot get an IV started the first time. Once surgery was done, I experienced another level of pain - overall body pain from being intubated in the hospital. My throat, neck, shoulders, ribcage - I felt like I had been manhandled! And that was even dealing with the pain of the incision. In medicine, they ask you to describe your pain on a 1-10 scale.  One is very mild pain, and a ten is intense pain where a high dose of pain medication would be needed. I have felt everything from a 2 to a 10. So why was this lesson important ? 
Because I live with someone who experiences pain on a daily basis. And honestly, I never understood why dishes couldn't be washed, or dinner not put in the oven or trash taken out. I had no idea what the pain was doing to that person because I had no frame of  reference to even begin to understand! NONE
I now understand in a deeply empathetic way that sometimes taking a bath is the most exhausting thing you can do, and then you head right back to bed. I understand why food is too much to be prepared, and a can of soup is easier. I understand why papers pile up, why dishes remain unwashed, why the daily menial task of life are on the back burner. Because the agenda of the day is simply getting through the day. And when pain is the ruler of a person's life, it changes who they are in every way. Less tolerant, more irritable over the smallest of things, less flexible, unable to "go with the flow", unwilling to have others around.... and a whole host of other things. I have empathy as a result of experience - and I experience moments of shame and sadness that I did not understand this sooner. As I continue to adjust my expectations, or better yet, get rid of them entirely, I come to understand that more is required of me - because I am not in pain all day long. My pain is temporary. My pain will heal. I can go to the gym and my body feels better. That is not the case with my roommate. She has lived in pain for years and years. It is her burden to bear in this life, and I must work on being better able to handle the load. I still feel a twinge of resentment that "everything" lands on me. And I know that is not going to help the situation or my ability to endure this with a cheerful attitude. This is my refiner's fire in my life - and I am determined to come out of it a better person. 

Humility Teaches Us to Turn to God and Those That Act in His Name

I pride myself on being an independent woman. I take great pleasure in doing things for myself and others without assistance. I can be my own best cheerleader. Oh how I hate to ask for help! I feel like I should be able to do it all - and then some! And when the reality of life crashes around me and I come to the moment of having to ask for help, part of me feels like a failure. This is far from the truth. I will actually get further by asking for help, both temporally and spiritually, then I will just on my own. And by allowing others to serve me, I give them opportunities and blessings as well. I believe that humility turns us to God for divine support, and that his response comes to us in the form of loving friends and family who are there for us. I experienced that first hand this month. I felt such a beautiful sense of loving care from those around me. I appreciate the lessons in humility. I shed another layer of pride and hopefully shine more clearly the loving, empathetic, genuinely caring woman I am and can be. 

God Cares About the Details of My Life

I cannot write enough about the smallest of details that have been an answer to prayer. When I lost my job, I felt a calming sense of peace about it all. And I had no idea what the future would hold. 19 days later, I have another job that won't start until the 10th, which allows me time to heal from surgery. Accident ? No. Answer to a prayer.

I needed to take care of some financial matters that had been on my list for some time. And I simply did not have the money to deal with it, or so I thought. I paid my tithing on Sunday and 2 days later, I dealt with the financial matter. What I discovered was nothing short of a miracle!  The money I was to pay out - $947.00 , was nearly equal to the money that was going to be coming in $ 952.00.   I will take God's accounting over mine any day of the week. It pays to put God first. 

Oh, I could go on and on...but you get the idea. How grateful I am to see God's hand in my life on a daily basis and the more aware of that I am, the more I can share that with others. Look for blessings folks, they are there DAILY!


If you have any life lessons that are really speaking to you right now, please feel free to comment. I'd love to hear about what God is teaching you in your life. 

We are not alone. We are simply a few steps ahead or behind each other on the exact same path. It is my goal to help as many people get to that end as I can...and I will help myself along the way.

Much love to you this week...

Rachel 

Awareness 2014 - Getting to the bottom of things - Part 3

On Friday night, February 7th, a good friend called me in a response to a text conversation we were having. What he did not know was that he was a direct response to a prayer I had offered earlier that day. I was seeking comfort from everything going on. I had found the peace I needed about my work situation ending. I felt good about the possibilities of finding new work. 

I just had not found peace regarding all of these health issues and I wanted to somehow know that what I was doing and what I was planning to do was the right thing. I found that comfort in an hour long conversation. As I described what was going on with me, he recounted a story of his own, with a similar situation, the steps that were taken, the surgery that ensued and his path to recovery. I was being given very clear details that would become important in the coming days. His calm, take-it-in-stride attitude helped me feel more calm. It gave me information, much more so than the nurse had. He laid it all out there and his candor was exactly what I needed to hear. I am grateful to him for sharing with me something so personal. He was an answer to my prayer.

I spent the evening wrapping my head around what could be coming ahead. I had a long chat with a friend online, and I think his entire goal was to come up with as many "bottom" puns as possible.  Through the pain, I laughed and laughed. I know he was doing the best he could to get my mind off of things and I applaud his efforts. Thank goodness for friends who can sense when I need to get past myself and let go of worry. 

On Saturday, my Visiting Teacher (a female version of a Home Teacher) came to visit me. I asked if she could bring me a rubber donut to help me be able to sit. She did, but in addition she brought delicious soups, salad and cookies! I felt so spoiled and while I didn't have much appetite, those food would come in handy later in the week. Because of the location of my pain, the donut was not immediately useful - but would be another treasured item in my healing process the next week.

Sunday was a home bound day. Counting down to the time to go to the doctors. One more day to get through. I am trying to figure out how I am going to get through this last day and finally decide on a bath. You can imagine my hesitation of taking a bath because it required sitting and I couldn't sit anywhere comfortably, but I decided to take a chance. The physician I saw on the 30th told me sitz baths might help - and until now I had not taken any, only showers. 

I decided that since I had not gone to Church, I was going to listen to the Mormon Channel and pipe in some hymns while I was relaxing... or trying to anyhow. I filled the tub with water and eased myself into it. The heat of the water instantly relaxed my entire body.As I lay there cognizant that the pain I had been fighting against was subsiding, the song " Come Follow Me" came on.  And I could not hold back the tears...I lay in the water sobbing from 16 days worth of pain and even more in realizing that . a solution had been suggested to me 12 days back and I had never thought to use it. Not even once until today. "Kick against the pricks" anyone ?

I was instantly humbled and it brought to mind a comment of a friend that I am often in " fight" mode. And it made sense... I had no reason to fight. Not here in the tub, but not in my life either.  Jesus Christ asks us to follow Him, all the time. The invitation is never removed on his end. He welcomes us with open arms to look to him comfort, counsel, to heal us in both body and spirit. My spiritual lesson was being laid before me, in the only space where God could get my mind and soul quiet enough to hear Him. 

"Lord I Would Follow Thee" came on next and again, more spiritual witness of just how very much my Savior means to me.  " Find in thee my strength, my beacon, for thy servant I would be. Savior may I love my brother...Lord I would follow Thee."

To my friends who remind me when I am in my own way - THANK YOU! You may think I don't hear you, I may argue with you initially, and in the quiet moments of prayer and meditation, what is true in your words becomes clear to me. From God's mouth to your ears and then to me, you are the instrument in His hands. I am more grateful than you realize and likely more than I express outwardly. Thank you for seeing through my facade and helping me to see my strengths and weaknesses. The refining process is necessary for us to go through in order to go home again one day. It is making a difference in my life. I promise.

Awareness 2014 - Reaching the Bottom - The Final Chapter

 

I am normally not too pessimistic about anything. It is just not in my nature. My friends joke about my rose colored glasses and my rainbows and unicorns attitude. Whatever. It is not like I don't see reality, but I will choose a positive mood over just about anything. Except when I am worried and if I am worried, fear is often buried underneath it. It could be a trigger from long ago that has resurface, or simply, I have found a new level of "WTH" is going on in my life!

I digress...It is D DAY! Yes, visit to the SURGEON day. My intention is going to be to walk (as best as I can) into the office and have him take a look, give me a couple of shots and lance this thing into oblivion! Apparently I watch too many action thrillers because this is how it went down.

Getting to the surgery center was nothing sort of a miracle.We had a prayer before we headed out because we definitely were going to need protection during the ride. I had to lay on my side with the seat back to even be in the car. And you could cut the tension with a knife. Mom was not happy about having to drive me - and when given the option to pass it on to someone else, she wasn't having that either. We made it one piece!  A text I received said " A small success - at least you didn't arrive in pieces!"  LOL   I love those who can make me laugh at such stressful times.

I had to wear comfortable clothing and decided that red shoes were going to be my pick-me-up, since nothing bad could happen in red shoes, right ?

I also decided that I should bring a pair of sport socks with me. Why ? No idea. But I brought them. We made it upstairs and they had me wait to see the doctor.  Remember, I can't sit. So, since there was an exam table, I decided to lay on my stomach and wait. The doctor was about 30 minutes late, and I was very sleepy by the time he came in. And what an entrance he made. Super handsome, 30 something surgeon, gorgeous brown eyes, long eye lashes, naturally curly hair. Dr. McDreamy at your service!

 He laughed at my position and I reminded him it was only because I could not sit. He explained to me what he thought could be going on, we reviewed a chart together and I understood what he thought was happening. So he took a look under the hood. Because of the placement of this particular abscess, he did not feel comfortable taking care of this procedure in his office. He was having me go across the street to the ER.  WAIT! WHAT ? So I began to bargain with him. "Couldn't we do this in a couple of days ?  I can come back, get what I need, be more prepared..." AND HIS ANSWER ? "No, I don't have time later in the week and I'm booked all month. I'm not even sure I'll have time to do the surgery myself, probably one of my colleagues will do it."   And that was the end of the discussion. Now it was going to be the hike from Hades to walk over to the ER. Remember, I can't sit down, so a wheelchair isn't going to help. 

About 20 minutes later, we made it to the admissions area of the ER, they got me in the system, met with the RN and he said " Have a seat."  After about 5 minutes, I had them lay me down on a gurney so I could rest while they found a room I could use.  It is about 11:15 AM and they had Mom sit near me while I waited. Finally they got us into a room and it is clear the surgery center has not yet called over to the ER and told them what is going on. So I repeat the same information a few times. Last time I drank ? 7 AM   Last time I ate ? 8AM  - that means the earliest then can perform surgery is 4:00 PM. 

The nurse "He Who Shall Not Be Named", came to take my blood and start an IV. Apparently with my anxiety level, my veins were not willing to have anything poked into them. Mom is hold my hand for dear life on my right side, and he is literally digging with a needle to find a vein - and irritated that I am so pain intolerant. To be honest though, even Mom was surprised at how much pain I was in from something that should have been routine.  He ended up using my left hand to start the IV, and instead of putting it in the middle of my hand, he put it close to my wrist. Every dang time I moved my wrist, I could feel the needle. Then he looked at me once I was all hooked up and said " Wow, you have a very low tolerance for pain. " I wanted to kick that guy from here to Asia. 

The put me on antibiotic and morphine via IV, which should have calmed me down. We discovered though, that morphine does exactly the opposite with me and I was super anxious and they could not give me more meds to counteract it.  Mom - you were declared a SAINT today! I was such a hot mess!

Finally, nurse "He Who Shall Not Be Named", was replaced by one with much more empathy and who immediate took off the electronic blood pressure cuff. I felt freedom. And I was able to get up, take care of business and feel human for 5 minutes. I couldn't eat or drink anything, and I was feeling incredibly guilty for Mom being with me and feeling like she needed to stay with me. Her health is already taxed enough without dealing with a 48 year old child. I was emotional as I sat in the bed and I think the tears and the feelings were a result of overload on every level. Once the release valve did its job, I regained my composure and wanted to rest. And I am sure Mom needed some quiet.  LOL

We had heard the surgery would be around 5:30...which turned out to be more like 7:30 PM. They wheeled me upstairs and I met the anesthesiologist and the nurse who would be with me during surgery. 

And they let me know that Dr. McDreamy was going to be my surgeon after all. And he would be assisted by an Indian doctor in his 3rd year of residency. I guess I was a good learning case for him. Hey honey, if you can learn something from all this pain, good for you!

Doc took one look at me and said " Let's do this!" and that's the last thing I remember. The surgery was about 90 minutes, so not a normal quick lancing. So you are wondering what they found ? A Bartholin Gland Cyst that had implanted itself in an area not common to where cysts typically area. I warn you that if you Google it, don't be surprise for a graphic description.It is a very common thing with women, happening to 3 out of 100. I had no idea it even existed. Okay, enough of that... back to the rest of the story.


I remember waking up and wanting to drink..and wanting ice chips. I wanted to talk and get the fog out of my head. I hate being put under... only had it one other time, but the memory of how my body felt came back fully.

Now allow me to make an honest admission. I had somewhere in the back of my mind had a 1970's Brady Bunch memory of getting put under. That it was done with a mask, you breath in and out and BAM you are under. Serene, peaceful, calm.  No one told me that they put a tube down your throat tape all over the place and that your neck, throat and head would feel like strep for 2 days after. Or that my ribs would ache like I had been tossed around in the back of a truck. And none of those body parts were where the surgery was, so what exactly did you do with me while I was asleep ? I finally asked my Mom 2 days later and she admitted what she believed happened. I said " Why didn't they tell me ?" Her reply: " Oh they never do.."   ????

Anyhow, they take me up to the room and I am happily sucking on ice chips and in pain, so they start giving me Norco, which is a pretty powerful pain medicine, every 4 hours. It is now 11 PM on Monday night. The day from Hades nearly over and Mom is still hanging on. She decides to not go home after all and stays in the lounging chair in my room. She is a total trooper in every sense of the word.  Apparently, I was in an out of sleep all night and kept checking on my Mom being there. I guess the inner child needed the comfort of her Mom....all night long.  I should say that I had the best nurse ever. Juan - you made my stay so much better by your cheerful attitude and care. And you were easy on the eyes too...

There is talk that I could possibly be going home in the morning and I am dying to go home. I couldn't sleep at the hospital. But there are milestones to be achieved first. And a visit from the resident doctors to remove the packing that was placed in the wound.  And in that moment, I had finally reached the pinnacle of the highest level of pain I have thus far experienced in my entire life. I hope I never, ever experience that again. Just WOW!

I told the doctors that I didn't want any further packing and was more than willing to take care of the wound properly at home. I guess they believed me because when the nursed checked the update, the discharge papers were already in the system. That was at 12:00 noon. We ended up staying at the hospital til 7 PM that night before we were able to go home. I was praying that Mom would have a safe, peaceful drive home and I would be able to deal with whatever it felt like. I honestly think I felt 50 different bumps, potholes etc. over the 7 miles to our place. It was a long ride.

We made it home in one piece. It had been 36 hours that Mom was awake, and would be another 7 before her body would allow her to sleep. Me on the other hand, I got home, hit the couch and slept 3 hours solidly.

Mom said I moaned a lot in pain, but the comfort of being home allowed me to relax. God had promised me he would get me through this, and every step of the way he did. 

His promises are sure. 

Awareness 2014 - Getting to the bottom of things - Part 2

It's now Tuesday, February 3rd and I am feeling better. I can sit and I'm not in pain all the time. It surely has to be working right ? Something is happening in there! 

In talking to my mother about things, she mentions that I should get a hold of my previous employer and ask about getting my Kaiser coverage reinstated. I am sure that it can't happen that quickly, and honestly, I was pretty dismissive about it. I didn't want to bother anyone and it would happen anyhow. I could wait...or so I thought. So I did nothing with the nudge she gave me that day. I should know better than to ignore my mother. She is ridiculously in tune about spiritual matters. 

The day comes and goes without much fanfare and I go to bed for the night, saying prayers of extreme gratitude for the healing that is happening so far. More tears...and finally sleep.

3:15 AM - OUCH! My pain level has jumped to an 8 all of a sudden. I can barely get up out of bed to get pain medication. I decide to get a cold pack and see if I can get the pain down. Heck, I will stand on my head and spit nails if it will make a difference !!  It is about an hour before the pain subsides enough for me to go to sleep and then it is only on my side. It appears to me that the abscess is grown or the area of radiant heat/pain surrounding it has grown. I don't understand - I AM TAKING ANTIBIOTICS!  I'm tired, hurting, cranky and am going to need to deal with this at a higher level - the word SURGEON comes back into my mind and I am scared. I lay in bed praying for relief and more tears. 

Once I finally get up out of bed, which is a feat in and of itself, I am able to make my way to the only chair in the entire apartment that is comfortable for me to sit in, with a pillow on the seat. Who cares ? I am TIRED of being horizontal. As I sit at the dining room table with my mother, she again prods me about connecting with my former employer about Kaiser being reinstated.  "Fine."  Yeah, there were a lot of other words that were running through my mind at the moment, but gratefully I censored them. As I called the HR office and spoke to my colleague, he sent me the paperwork immediately and I was able to take care of payment immediately. I could not believe the immediacy of all of this. I am reminded that God is willing to bless us, He simply needs us to ACT.

I did my part and He did his. Now I am waiting for the email that says,

"Your coverage has now been reinstated."  And more patience was going to be required before that email would come. 

The day continued to be restless and I am sure I was as surly as they come. Living on either the couch or in my bed, drifting from sleep to hazy periods of awakedness... I want to move, I want to go to the gym, I want to do anything except deal with the fact that I am going to be making a call to have this thing lanced. The entire idea has me freaked out. And we aren't even entirely sure we know what it is. 

Thursday, February 6th is another in and out of pain day. I had forgotten to mention earlier this week that I had started a dialogue with a new company about a position they were looking to fill. Today was to be the 5th interview with them. The other 4 were by phone and this one was to meet the Exec himself. By nothing short of a miracle, I was able to drive to the appointment, sit for 45 minutes and have a very good meeting. I also met my former boss and handed over the final affairs that I had amassed at the end and needed to pass on. 

By 1 pm, I was DONE and needed a nap and upon waking from a nap, I notice an email has come in. My Kaiser coverage has been reinstated!! So fast ! In fact, Mother is pleasantly impressed by how quickly this all took place. I say a quick prayer of gratitude for the solution coming so speedily.  I feel like the past week has caused me to look to God in every step - and miracles come. I am being schooled in deepening my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know he hears and answers my prayers and loves me, and that assurance can get me through a lot of life's trials. I sent an email to the doctor I saw on the 30th and let her know that a referral was going to be in order, given that there was little improvement. Out into the ether it goes - and let's hope that she reads it and gets back to me. 

Another night of pain medication and sleeping in 4-6 hour increments. I am missing my normal sleep pattern and I am longing for things to be better. Now!  (One of my good friends said that one of the lessons I am learning in all of this is patience. Apparently, I still have not learned that yet. UGH!)

It's Friday, February 7th and the phone rings early and it is Kaiser surgery center calling to schedule an appointment for me. My gut is clenching with anxiety. How long am I going to wait ? And SURGEON comes back in my mind. Maybe I need to see a surgeon because it is going to be lanced ?  I mean, do they consider it real surgery ? It is in the office, right ?

They set an appointment for 3 pm on Monday, February 10, in downtown LA.  That's going to be a good time. My fear of medical procedures is almost eclipsed by the fear my mother has about driving in downtown LA. Can you be on Valium and drive ? I'm kidding...sort of. I ask the appointment nurse if she can call me back and explain to me what will happen. The sooner I wrap my head around the reality of what is going to happen, the better it will be. 

Before that can happen though, they change my doctor to a colorectal doctor and change the time of the appointment to 10 AM on Monday. 

Huh? What do they think I have and why are they adding that to the mix ? Someone is not telling me something...

The nurse calls me back and explains the procedure:

1) Review the location of the abscess

2) Give local anesthesia to the area

3) Lance/drain 

4) Pack up wound

5) Send me home

Let me have time to digest this...and pray that it will all go exactly as it is supposed to... I am praying for comfort. And it comes...in the form of a friend. Now things are about to get VERY real.  

Awareness 2014 - Getting to the bottom of things - Part 1

It's January 30th and this morning I wake up and the pain is unbearable. I can't sit down, I can only lay on my side and my pain is managed by ibuprofen, and still it wakes me up out of dead sleep. What I know for sure is that there is a lump that hurts like crazy under my skin, in a very tender part of my body. I have no idea how it got there and I don't know how to make it go away, and all I can think about is that I have today and tomorrow to take care of this before my health insurance expires. To say I am freaked out would be an understatement. I said a prayer before I called Kaiser to see if I could see a doctor - and hoping one that actually knew me would be in.

YES! A doctor I have seen previously is in today and I'll be able to see her. That is of some comfort to me and tears erupt because I feel hopeful that she will have a solution to this pain.

I went to work, trying to make things seem as normal as possible. I am surprised that no one notice my slow methodical pace of walking. And grateful to not have questions. I sat in whatever position I could manage and waited until it was time for me to see the doctor. Honestly, I am sure time could not have gone any slower. Were it not for a good friend who constantly made me laugh at the craziness of the situation, I think I would have gone insane.

I finally get to Kaiser and am pacing in the waiting room - sitting is not working for me at the moment. I am shown inside, all vitals are good, and I realize I have gained a few pounds not being able to exercise lately. And today, I don't give a rats tail ! 

Grateful to have a female doctor for this visit, she takes a look at what is happening. Red, painful, raised...an abscess.  But because of the tenderness of it , she can't explain what is going on, because it is positioned in an odd place. ( Of course it is! My body often has a mind of its own!)  She has 2 courses of action: 1) take antibiotics and pray that is goes away on its own and 2) connect me with a surgeon to lance it, clear out the infection and 
send me on my merry way. 

Because Cobra will have not yet kicked in to continue my healthcare coverage and the word surgeon has me FREAKED OUT, we decide on antibiotics. 10 day of Augmentin. I can cope with that. And back to work I go. 

I get through my final day at my job, antibiotics have started and I feel that I should ask for a Priesthood blessing. For those of you that are not familiar with what that is, let me explain. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that men are given the power to act in God's name for the benefit of others. One way is to give a blessing of healing, which is accomplished by 2 Priesthood brothers working together. One is putting consecrated oil on the individual's head and pronouncing a prayer of anointing. Then they both place their hands on the persons head and the other one gives the blessing, which is like a prayer. I have had several of these over my lifetime and have a testimony that God works through his sons, on my behalf.
Here is more on that subject: http://www.lds.org/topics/priesthood-blessing?lang=eng

It's now Sunday morning. I have been on antibiotics for 2 1/2 days and am going to try to go to Church. I have no idea how I am going to sit for 3 hours, but I have enough faith to know that I am in the right place and God will take care of the pain. I find a seat and in the middle of the Sacrament, I realize that I am in no pain. None. Zero. And the image of the Savior taking upon himself all of our infirmities comes to my mind. Jesus Christ gave his life so that I could be free of pain in this life, if I would seek him and emulate his life. In that moment, I understood that like I had not previously. The tears would not stop. I was deeply overcome with emotion and sent my friend a message saying " I am not in pain. I am blown away! " 

Fortunately, that comfort continued and I was able to connect with my Home Teacher. He and another brother sat with me and wanted to know what was going on. And out it came: I am now unemployed, have a abscess that needs healing, am on medication and am without health insurance until Cobra kicks in. And I am seeking the Lord's counsel as to what is happening in my life and a blessing of healing, if it is His will.

Those good brethren gave me that blessing, counseling me about work, about my health and about relying on the help of others and especially the priesthood leaders in my area. It was extremely personal and I knew the words that Bro. Johnson spoke were not his, they were from my Heavenly Father, sent and meant to comfort his daughter. 

I felt tremendous gratitude and hopefulness as I left that meeting. And I had every hope that the medicine would work, saving me from surgery. Besides how I am going to get my benefits reinstated so quickly ?  This blessing had to work. I know my mother had been praying for healing to come and these brothers were doing the same. Was that God's will or was there more to come and this was the calm before the storm ?

Awareness 2014 - I've Got A Feeling...

When God lets me know change is on the horizon, it is manifest in different ways. Sometimes it is a dream that wakes me out of a dead sleep. Sometimes it is a deep feeling in my gut that I can't shake and isn't easily explained. And it is my internal radar that has been triggered, advising me to pay close attention to what is happening around me. Listen for information, open my mind and heart to options and prayerfully ask for guidance to keep my feet grounded when the seas of life are about to turn upside down.

I had felt for a long time that my job was going to be ending, and that my working relationship with my boss thus far was by God's grace alone. We had been through so much together and there were still reasons for our work to continue, but neither of us were lying to ourselves about the inevitable future. After nearly 5 years, our journey was going to end. 

Especially hard was the sense of loyalty that I felt to my job, to the company and to my boss. My own internal struggle made it challenging for me to even consider moving forward until it was time. I wanted permission, if you will, to go and move on with my life. I hoped equally that my staying would rewarded with a decent severance and that those funds would give me to time to choose my next job and not just take the first one that came to me. 

I happened to notice a message that was left for my boss, and the writing was on the wall. It is not every day that the head of HR wants to chat with my boss. That was on Thursday, January 10th.  I was literally dying to have my longstanding feelings confirmed. And my boss sat on that information until Sunday evening, when he sent me a text asking me to call him.  I read the message, my heart sank and tears came - and I had not even talked to him yet! It was like a release valve finally allowed me to let go of months of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I recovered from my initial response and accepted right away that the news had finally come and I readied myself to talk to my boss. Was I going to leave tomorrow ? Was there time to finish the loose ends ?  I just needed to call him and get it over with.

True to his nature, my boss was candid about what happened, that they would have no further need of me since our project had ended and that he was sad to have me leave. He wished he could change the outcome - and I was touched by his sincerity. The details were relatively easy - we had until January 31st to finish out business and close the office. I was eligible for severance and that I needed to have a follow up meeting for the details of a it all. Having 3 weeks was more than I could have hoped for!  Not only would I have time to make things work for him, but I could leave the job I loved in a good way, on positive terms and with my head held high. 

Once I met with our HR person, we talked about the entire journey at the company. And most of all, about how much my boss had grown and what part, if any, I had in his development over the last 5 years.  It is beautiful to sit with someone and realize that in deep trials a metamorphosis can occur and when the individual emerges a new, deeper, kinder human being,it is to me the great miracle of life.  She reminded me of the contributions that I have made to the company, but most of all that I was someone well respected, loved by both colleagues and executives and was leaving on the best of terms. And she was happy to be able to say that, as it is not the case with everyone that meets with her. What a comfort that conversation was to me.

I did make a choice after the first week to stop applying for new jobs until I was done with the current position. It gave me space to deal with the change, space to be open to the goodbyes, space to feel the multitude of feelings that were yet to come. 

The last few weeks were a blur of activity, going through 5 years of files, and making sure that only those that were essential were kept for the future. Lunches with colleagues, each asking how I was doing and if I was already applying for jobs. Their concern was evident. And tears. I would be in the middle of a task and a sense of sadness came over me. Losing a job is one of the 5 major stressors in a lifetime and true to form, I was experiencing the beginning of the grieving process. Grateful for solitude that allowed me to let go piece by piece and be present for the many conversations that I had during those two weeks. It was going to be okay. Prayer had confirmed to me again and again that things were going to be fine. I needed to believe that confirmation and trust God. 

And there was more on the horizon that was going to completely take over my time and give me a new focus, this time fully about myself and my health. On my last week of work, I had a pain that was growing and while I pushed it off as best as I could, I woke up on the day before my last day and made and appointment to see the doctor, as my health benefits were going to expire the next day. That was the wisest decision I made that week.