When God lets me know change is on the horizon, it is manifest in different ways. Sometimes it is a dream that wakes me out of a dead sleep. Sometimes it is a deep feeling in my gut that I can't shake and isn't easily explained. And it is my internal radar that has been triggered, advising me to pay close attention to what is happening around me. Listen for information, open my mind and heart to options and prayerfully ask for guidance to keep my feet grounded when the seas of life are about to turn upside down.
I had felt for a long time that my job was going to be ending, and that my working relationship with my boss thus far was by God's grace alone. We had been through so much together and there were still reasons for our work to continue, but neither of us were lying to ourselves about the inevitable future. After nearly 5 years, our journey was going to end.
Especially hard was the sense of loyalty that I felt to my job, to the company and to my boss. My own internal struggle made it challenging for me to even consider moving forward until it was time. I wanted permission, if you will, to go and move on with my life. I hoped equally that my staying would rewarded with a decent severance and that those funds would give me to time to choose my next job and not just take the first one that came to me.
I happened to notice a message that was left for my boss, and the writing was on the wall. It is not every day that the head of HR wants to chat with my boss. That was on Thursday, January 10th. I was literally dying to have my longstanding feelings confirmed. And my boss sat on that information until Sunday evening, when he sent me a text asking me to call him. I read the message, my heart sank and tears came - and I had not even talked to him yet! It was like a release valve finally allowed me to let go of months of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I recovered from my initial response and accepted right away that the news had finally come and I readied myself to talk to my boss. Was I going to leave tomorrow ? Was there time to finish the loose ends ? I just needed to call him and get it over with.
True to his nature, my boss was candid about what happened, that they would have no further need of me since our project had ended and that he was sad to have me leave. He wished he could change the outcome - and I was touched by his sincerity. The details were relatively easy - we had until January 31st to finish out business and close the office. I was eligible for severance and that I needed to have a follow up meeting for the details of a it all. Having 3 weeks was more than I could have hoped for! Not only would I have time to make things work for him, but I could leave the job I loved in a good way, on positive terms and with my head held high.
Once I met with our HR person, we talked about the entire journey at the company. And most of all, about how much my boss had grown and what part, if any, I had in his development over the last 5 years. It is beautiful to sit with someone and realize that in deep trials a metamorphosis can occur and when the individual emerges a new, deeper, kinder human being,it is to me the great miracle of life. She reminded me of the contributions that I have made to the company, but most of all that I was someone well respected, loved by both colleagues and executives and was leaving on the best of terms. And she was happy to be able to say that, as it is not the case with everyone that meets with her. What a comfort that conversation was to me.
I did make a choice after the first week to stop applying for new jobs until I was done with the current position. It gave me space to deal with the change, space to be open to the goodbyes, space to feel the multitude of feelings that were yet to come.
The last few weeks were a blur of activity, going through 5 years of files, and making sure that only those that were essential were kept for the future. Lunches with colleagues, each asking how I was doing and if I was already applying for jobs. Their concern was evident. And tears. I would be in the middle of a task and a sense of sadness came over me. Losing a job is one of the 5 major stressors in a lifetime and true to form, I was experiencing the beginning of the grieving process. Grateful for solitude that allowed me to let go piece by piece and be present for the many conversations that I had during those two weeks. It was going to be okay. Prayer had confirmed to me again and again that things were going to be fine. I needed to believe that confirmation and trust God.
And there was more on the horizon that was going to completely take over my time and give me a new focus, this time fully about myself and my health. On my last week of work, I had a pain that was growing and while I pushed it off as best as I could, I woke up on the day before my last day and made and appointment to see the doctor, as my health benefits were going to expire the next day. That was the wisest decision I made that week.
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